I Want To Be Married
Here is an email from one of my subscribers:
I loved both your books and used the techniques for getting a boyfriend and making him fall in love, and they really work!
After reading your books and using the advice given I found a wonderful man who I really love.
He’s been married before, and so have I. We are in a committed relationship, but the only problem is that he doesn’t want to get married right now.
When we first started dating he told me I was the one, and to this day he tells me he feels the same way, and he can’t think of any other woman ever. He tells me he could never be with anyone else, and that the way he feels about me is different from all his previous relationships.
The only problem is that I live in my condo in the city, I work in the city, and my kids go to school here. He lives in the country on a big ranch. He has horses and other farm animals, and he wants to stay there.
We visit each other every week, and have been for several months. Distance has always been a concern for us both, but we have figured out how to make it work.
When we started talking about where we go from here he told me that the way he sees his life in the future is to have a wife who lives with him on his ranch. He wants to retire there after the kids leave the house.
I, on the other hand, have a career in the city, and would have to give it up if I ever moved in with him. He doesn’t want to live in the city. He says he needs space and wants to have his animals and the barn.
We love each other, but even though he says he wants to marry me one day, he is not giving me any indication of the timeline. I want to be married, and I know he is the one. And he says that until we work out our issues with the distance he doesn’t want to be married. He also says that if we get married he doesn’t see us living in separate homes, although I have friends who are married to each other but live in two separate homes (long-distance) and they seem to be doing just fine.
Due to our disagreements as to where we both want to live, we have gone through arguments and even breakups, but we’ve always got back together, because we just seem to be drawn to each other so much that no matter what we can’t end it.
It has been really draining, and I am ready to give up. I want an engagement ring to see his commitment, and to at least know that he is committed to trying to work this out. He however says that he isn’t ready to buy me a ring, and that we need to solve our issues first. He says that it’s not the lack of commitment, and that he’s been committed to me ever since we first met, but that he is not sure if we have long term compatibility, and he doesn’t want this to end in divorce. We also have very different life styles. I like going to parties through my work, as I am employed in the management of a big corporation. I have lots of friends in the city and a very active social life. He is more of an isolator, and has a very small group of very close friends. I know that if I were to move to the country with him I would have to give up everything I have here – my job/career, my friends, my social life. I don’t want to sacrifice everything I have for the relationship. Why can’t I have it all?
I am lost and I don’t know what to do. It seems that we keep going in a circle, and nothing ever gets resolved.
If I and he were engaged I think it would give us both a strong incentive to work through our issues.”
“Please, help me!”
Here is my response:
Thank you, Candice for your e-mail.
What I am sensing from your letter is that you think that if you and your boyfriend were to get engaged, you would be in a better position to change him. But the truth is that you won’t.
You’ve made one big mistake that I always warn women about – you fell in love with your boyfriend’s potential.
I notice that you said when you first started dating, distance was a concern but you made it work. However, later in your email you say that you didn’t. I am guessing that what you meant was that you solved the distance issue as far as dating goes, but as far as getting engaged and married, the distance is still a major obstacle.
Truth is that he wants a certain lifestyle and isn’t going to change what he wants in life for himself. You want a different lifestyle, and as far as I can see, you two don’t fit into each other’s lifestyles and are not compatible.
You don’t lack commitment in your relationship. What you lack is compatibility. And I sense that you know what my answer is going to be, but that you are hoping for a different answer.
I am not going to tell you that you can convince your boyfriend to change and to move in with you. It seems like he is happy where he is at.
It also sounds like you aren’t the right woman for him, and that the right woman for him would be someone who wants the same fundamental things in life.
He probably fell in love with your potential, just like you fell in love with his. And here is your dilemma, because neither one of you is going to fulfill the expectations of each other.
I would suggest that you have a conversation about your differences, but you have had conversations about it already, and you know each other’s position.
I think that you should end this relationship and that each of you should move on to find someone more compatible.
I don’t think you are the type who would be happy living on a horse ranch. I have a client who is suffering living with a husband and three kids up in the mountains away from everything. Before they got married he told he it would just be two years and then they would move someplace else. It’s been years and they are still at the same home. She is miserable there and wants to get out of that place but now they have three kids together.
I am just saying that if your boyfriend’s lifestyle is not what you can live with, think long and hard before leaving everything behind to move in with him. And I don’t think that even if he decided to move into the city with you he would be happy in the long run.
I’d like to hear from my other subscribers!
Do you have a story to share! Please write in the comment section below!
Do you have a boyfriend who is dragging his feet and don’t want to marry you?
What are your issues in your relationship?
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