Have you ever wondered why men withdraw in a relationship? If you are like most single women you probably have been in a relationship that started off great but as time went by, your guy started calling you less, suddenly got very busy with work and other things in his life, and gradually became less and less involved.
Perhaps he is still calling you and seeing you on occasion, or maybe he has completely stopped calling and doesn’t even return your texts and phone calls.
Why does this happen? Read this story my subscriber wanted to share with my readers followed by my response!
“I met this man on Christmas eve, yes literally December 24th and thought this was the best holiday ever. We met through a mutual friend randomly at my friend’s house. We exchanged numbers the same day and shortly after he texted me. We went on ONE date, and after 3 weeks became intimate.”
“Everything was going wonderful, I was so happy I finally found a good man after being divorced for 3 years. He called/texted everyday, told me i was beautiful, im the total package, everything he wants in a woman. I told my friends who were very happy for me. We saw each other every other weekend(child visitation) and during the week as well. He told me i was welcome at his place as long as his children were not visiting.He was very needy about seeing me everyday. I worked an 8 hr shift with a 1 1/2 hr commute each way and a 9yo to come home to. Whenever i told him i was tired he would sulk and complain and so i would SACRIFICE just to hold on to him, or so i thought.
He told me he had been divorced for 2 yrs with two young children under the age of 5(I saw pictures). However, he talks bad about ex-wife in my presence every chance he gets. He told me he worked and paid all the bills while she went to nursing school and then she repaid him by cheating on him, hence their divorce. I always suspected he had anger issues but I continued to see him anyway. I was happy i had a boyfriend. On the last week of February I received no txts or phone calls despite me calling and texting. He blamed it on work. He told me the month end is always his busiest time. The communication from him became less frequent. The pattern repeated itself at the end of March. I still continued to see him.
Then, my birthday was approaching on 4.21. I mentioned that i was looking forward to getting a gift from him, he expressed no rebuttals. My birthday fell on a saturday, he spent the friday night at my place.
On Saturday morning while he was on his way out, he told me he would call me in the evening to bring my gift. He txted me happy bday around midday then i never saw or heard from him again for ONE week. No gift, no call, nothing.I decided to call on the following saturday. No answer, no reply. He called me from outside the country 3 days after to say hello. The conversation did not go well because by this time i was very angry and i let him know it.
I was aware he would be away but his trip to visit his mom was not until 4.30. He even promised me a gift from his trip.He was very much in the US between 4.21 and 4.29. Upon his return in a telephone conversation i expressed that i was not happy about the way i was treated. He was not sorry and offered no explanations.
I even texted my hurt and disappointment but he didnt reply.I gave him space and later he called to say he missed me and that he was sorry. He called and texted numerous times that i should come visit him or that he wanted to come spend the night and i ignored every single request. I feel like he was just using me for sex and was not interested in a relationship to begin with. The last conversation we had by phone was on 5.27 where he told me he was ‘not ready for a relationship at this time’. I told him ‘have a nice life, goodbye’.
I wrote in detail to you so maybe my story could help another woman. I also wrote to ask you what mistakes did I make and how I can have a better relationship in the future should I meet someone.”
“I have subscribed to your daily emails and I see myself in a lot of them. Thanks Elaine!”
Here is my response:
Your story sounds a lot like many other stories women share with me.
Here is what went wrong in your relationship:
When it first started, it was based mainly on physical attraction. Physical attraction is a powerful thing. It can make a man feel crazy in love with you, and he’ll do anything to be close to you as much as he can.
However, this is only a start.
Physical attraction only gives you a short time frame in which you should work on establishing the second phase of attraction which is much deeper and much more powerful – emotional attraction.
Initial physical attraction wears off very quickly, and unless you establish a strong foundation for your budding relationship, your partner will not have an incentive to stay around when things get tough.
Apparently this is exactly what happened in your relationship. It was great while the initial physical attraction carried you through, but your man started to lose interest as time went by.
Do you have a boyfriend who doesn’t want to get married or is dragging his feet to the altar? If you are thinking to yourself I want to get engaged and be married within a year and he doesn’t seem to want to pop the question, read this article!
Here is an email from one of my subscribers:
I loved both your books and used the techniques for getting a boyfriend and making him fall in love, and they really work!
After reading your books and using the advice given I found a wonderful man who I really love.
He’s been married before, and so have I. We are in a committed relationship, but the only problem is that he doesn’t want to get married right now.
When we first started dating he told me I was the one, and to this day he tells me he feels the same way, and he can’t think of any other woman ever. He tells me he could never be with anyone else, and that the way he feels about me is different from all his previous relationships.
The only problem is that I live in my condo in the city, I work in the city, and my kids go to school here. He lives in the country on a big ranch. He has horses and other farm animals, and he wants to stay there.
We visit each other every week, and have been for several months. Distance has always been a concern for us both, but we have figured out how to make it work.
When we started talking about where we go from here he told me that the way he sees his life in the future is to have a wife who lives with him on his ranch. He wants to retire there after the kids leave the house.
I, on the other hand, have a career in the city, and would have to give it up if I ever moved in with him. He doesn’t want to live in the city. He says he needs space and wants to have his animals and the barn.
We love each other, but even though he says he wants to marry me one day, he is not giving me any indication of the timeline. I want to be married, and I know he is the one. And he says that until we work out our issues with the distance he doesn’t want to be married. He also says that if we get married he doesn’t see us living in separate homes, although I have friends who are married to each other but live in two separate homes (long-distance) and they seem to be doing just fine.
Due to our disagreements as to where we both want to live, we have gone through arguments and even breakups, but we’ve always got back together, because we just seem to be drawn to each other so much that no matter what we can’t end it.
It has been really draining, and I am ready to give up. I want an engagement ring to see his commitment, and to at least know that he is committed to trying to work this out. He however says that he isn’t ready to buy me a ring, and that we need to solve our issues first. He says that it’s not the lack of commitment, and that he’s been committed to me ever since we first met, but that he is not sure if we have long term compatibility, and he doesn’t want this to end in divorce. We also have very different life styles. I like going to parties through my work, as I am employed in the management of a big corporation. I have lots of friends in the city and a very active social life. He is more of an isolator, and has a very small group of very close friends. I know that if I were to move to the country with him I would have to give up everything I have here – my job/career, my friends, my social life. I don’t want to sacrifice everything I have for the relationship. Why can’t I have it all?
I am lost and I don’t know what to do. It seems that we keep going in a circle, and nothing ever gets resolved.
If I and he were engaged I think it would give us both a strong incentive to work through our issues.”
“Please, help me!”
Here is my response:
Thank you, Candice for your e-mail.
What I am sensing from your letter is that you think that if you and your boyfriend were to get engaged, you would be in a better position to change him. But the truth is that you won’t.
You’ve made one big mistake that I always warn women about – you fell in love with your boyfriend’s potential.
I notice that you said when you first started dating, distance was a concern but you made it work. However, later in your email you say that you didn’t. I am guessing that what you meant was that you solved the distance issue as far as dating goes, but as far as getting engaged and married, the distance is still a major obstacle.
Truth is that he wants a certain lifestyle and isn’t going to change what he wants in life for himself. You want a different lifestyle, and as far as I can see, you two don’t fit into each other’s lifestyles and are not compatible.
You don’t lack commitment in your relationship. What you lack is compatibility. And I sense that you know what my answer is going to be, but that you are hoping for a different answer.
I am not going to tell you that you can convince your boyfriend to change and to move in with you. It seems like he is happy where he is at.
It also sounds like you aren’t the right woman for him, and that the right woman for him would be someone who wants the same fundamental things in life.
He probably fell in love with your potential, just like you fell in love with his. And here is your dilemma, because neither one of you is going to fulfill the expectations of each other.
I would suggest that you have a conversation about your differences, but you have had conversations about it already, and you know each other’s position.
I think that you should end this relationship and that each of you should move on to find someone more compatible.
I don’t think you are the type who would be happy living on a horse ranch. I have a client who is suffering living with a husband and three kids up in the mountains away from everything. Before they got married he told he it would just be two years and then they would move someplace else. It’s been years and they are still at the same home. She is miserable there and wants to get out of that place but now they have three kids together.
I am just saying that if your boyfriend’s lifestyle is not what you can live with, think long and hard before leaving everything behind to move in with him. And I don’t think that even if he decided to move into the city with you he would be happy in the long run.
I’d like to hear from my other subscribers!
Do you have a story to share! Please write in the comment section below!
Do you have a boyfriend who is dragging his feet and don’t want to marry you?
What are your issues in your relationship?
Perhaps you’ve been seeing the guy you really like for a while. Your dates are very romantic and exciting. He is everything you want in a guy, but you can’t help but wonder, will he ever commit to a relationship?
And there comes a time when you just can’t handle the uncertainty anymore. You need to ask him where this relationship is going and whether he is sizing you up for a serious relationship and marriage potential.
At some point you decide to bring up the serious talk and to find out whether you two are truly meant to be together. You sit him down at a dinner table after you spent the day cooking a delicious five course meal, and once you start enjoying the meal you begin the serious talk.
It may go something like this; “So, we’ve been dating for a while. I am really looking for something serious. I want to be married in a year or two and to start a family. Are you looking for the same things?”
You know how hard it is to start a conversation like that. And you really wish he was the one that started it. But that didn’t happen, and you almost feel like you have to pressure him into committing to you.
And what’s worse is that he suddenly looks at you like deer in the headlights and says – “I thought we were just dating.”
He looks at you puzzled and goes on to say that he is not ready for commitment at this point in his life. He may say that his priority is finishing grad school and getting a job, or getting a promotion at work, or traveling to explore the world, or whatever, and for one reason or another he is just not looking to settle down at this time in his life.
And you start wondering, why doesn’t want to commit to a relationship? Am I not good enough? Does it mean that he doesn’t love me? Is there anything I can do that can make him change his mind about commitment and make him want to get serious?
If you want to understand why men don’t commit, and especially why they don’t even always want to commit to the women they love, you’ve come to the right place.
In order to answer the question, why doesn’t he want to commit, you must understand commitment issues that men have.
And in this article I want to outline the reasons he doesn’t want to commit to a serious relationship. Read This Page Now >>>
Have you ever felt an incredible connection with a guy who was totally into you but then he suddenly disappeared?
To learn how to help him overcome his fears and commit to you fully read This Page>>>
The reason men pull away after feeling intensely about a certain woman is that they get scared of the unfamiliar feelings that overwhelm them.
At times a man can feel a great fear of potential loss. This newfound feeling is so amazing that he can’t control it. He knows that if something were to happen to a relationship it would cause him a lot of grief and suffering, so he wants to push away the person who caused him to experience this great feeling in order to protect himself from being hurt if the relationship were to develop further.
When your man is finding himself on the brink of falling in love with you, he may intentionally withdraw his affection, start avoiding you on purpose, and tries to control what he feels for you.
Sometimes he’ll try to find another woman to take his focus off of you and to start concentrating on someone else.
This could be a very effective strategy when someone is trying to get over someone he is falling in love with. And if you don’t know what has been causing his sudden disappearing act, you may be confused by his behavior.
Knowing that some men have the tendency to withdraw when they experience strong and overwhelming feelings solves a part of the problem.
When you have clearly identified the reason he is withdrawing you can start taking action to get things back the way they were and to even make things progress in the desired direction!
Find out how to regain the interest of your man after he starts withdrawing by downloading this free ebook on This Page>>>
Since I posted my article Is He Afraid Of Being Hurt? I have received some interesting responses from men.
One response specifically asked for my subscribers’ opinions.
It was from a man who shared his experience closely related to the topic discussed.
In this case, he is the one who is afraid of being hurt in a relationship with his girlfriend, and he wanted to share his story with my subscribers and get women’s opinions on what’s going on in this relationship.
Perhaps you are in a situation with a man who is afraid of being hurt. Or maybe you were on the receiving end of a situation such as his.
He would like to hear your thoughts on his situation.
We, women aren’t the only ones who are confused by the behavior of our partners.
Men, similarly to us, are often puzzled and want to know the reasons for their partner’s behavior.
Here is an email from this man who wished to remain anonymous, so for the purpose of this article we’ll call him Ken (not his real name).
I stumbled across your blog looking for answers to my confusing situation with the woman I have been seeing for a couple of months.
When we first met she had just broken up with her ex boyfriend.
Her ex is a total loser who at the age of thirty doesn’t have a job and has been living with his parents ever since she kicked him out of her house.
She swore that she was done with this guy.
For two months our relationship was great. We were getting very close and I thought we were headed toward something serious.
I am at the point in my life where I am looking for my future wife. I am 40, I have two children who visit with me on weekends, have a stable job in the construction field and I am taking night classes at the local community college.
I have played the field long enough and am ready for a real relationship leading to marriage.
I really thought she was The One.
We had great connection and intimate conversations. We did all kinds of things together. We went to parties at her friends and at the country club where she owns a house.
I even started playing golf and tennis with her which was something I have never done before.
I even introduced her to my children (she doesn’t have her own children).
She is a beautiful woman and very successful in her professional career. But that wasn’t why I was with her.
What I liked about her was that she was very humble about the material things and her education and financial success. She also didn’t care about the fact that I am living in a studio apartment, drive an old truck and am taking night classes at the local community college to get my GED.
Despite our differences we were getting very close and got serious quickly.
After two months of dating she suddenly did a complete turn-around and announced that she was going to give her ex boyfriend a second chance.
After what she had told me about him I thought there was no way she would get back together with this loser.
According to her he treated her like crap and with complete disrespect.
I was very hurt and wanted an explanation. She said they had a history together and she couldn’t just throw it away.
After that, we were still talking, and she told me how her ex was acting after they got back together. To me it sounded like he was still treating her with disrespect.
But she was back with him, and I didn’t want to be a second fiddle. After a painful struggle I stopped calling her as my friends had suggested.
A week later she called me and said she was confused about what she wanted and wasn’t sure who she wanted to be with. She said she liked me and still wanted to date me and get to know me slowly (that was after we had an intense sexual relationship for two months! And suddenly she wants to take it slow?)
She said that perhaps there is someone out there for all of us (meaning that there was someone else out there for her, for me, and for her ex).
I don’t know what to do at this point.
I have very strong feelings for this woman and hope that we can work things out. But at the same time she is still seeing her ex and is not ready to break it off.
I hope that she will see that I am The One for her. My question is – Should I stick around hoping that she will chose me over her ex eventually?
I don’t want to get hurt again if she eventually chooses her ex over me.
I told her to figure out things with her ex and come back to me when she is ready to end it with him. I don’t want to share the woman I have feelings for with someone else.
I have deleted her phone number so I won’t be tempted to call her. My friends say that if I give her space she will realize what she’s lost and come back to me.
I think it may be a good suggestion, but at the same time I am afraid that if I stop contacting her she will think I’ve lost interest and never come back to me.
Women are so confusing and are impossible to understand.
I would really like to know what goes on in a woman’s head when she does something like this.
I appreciate your response and hearing from other women!
Basically, my question is, if you are a woman who does something like this, why do you do this and what is going through your head when you do this?
And also, I’d like to know what is the best course of action to take to get her back?
Thanks a lot for reading and your advice!
I have responded to Ken in a private message which I will share on this blog in my next article, but now I would like to hear from other women reading this blog!
What do you think about this situation? Please do share by leaving a comment in the comment section down below!
Have you ever wondered why a man you are dating doesn’t want anything serious, or says he wants a serious relationship but is hesitant about taking YOUR relationship to the next level?
Sometimes what we want and what we NEED are two different things.
I’ll give you an example:
Have you ever been attracted to a bad boy who didn’t treat you the way a woman should be treated in a relationship?
You know this is NOT what you need, but you can’t help it, because he is what you WANT.
Men are the same way; they often THINK they want something; but this is NOT what they need.
They can be attracted to women who are wrong for them; and ultimately end up in crappy unfulfilling relationships with women who are WRONG for them, not knowing that YOU can offer so much more and a BETTER quality relationship!
Have you ever been attracted to a man you would do anything to be with but instead he wanted to be with some bimbo-bitch who was not good for him at all?
What can you do if the men you meet and date fail to see YOU as THE ONE?
Have you ever experienced a man disappear on you after your relationship seemingly took a turn for something more serious than just casual dating?
Have you ever felt that your man was totally smitten by you, but he disappeared without any explanation?
Have you ever tried to talk to a man who became distant and withdrawn only hear him say “I don’t know what is wrong but I just feel differently” or “I am just not sure what I want” or “I don’t know if I am ready for a relationship right now?
If you have, you are not alone. In fact, many women have experienced something similar in their lives.
So, why do men sometimes turn around completely and go from madly in love to being unsure about how they feel about the relationship?
I am going to help you solve this mystery right in this article so you’ll never again will have to live through all the anxiety of having a man disappear on you for no apparent reason.
When a woman first meets a man, the dynamics of a new dating relationship is pretty straightforward – the man is pursuing the woman, the woman is accepting the man’s advances.
At this time he is actively seeing her out.
The woman is pretty confident in herself knowing that she is being sought after. She enjoys the man’s attention and adoration.
As time goes by however, the woman begins to like the man more and more. This is when she begins to question how he truly feels about her.
She starts asking herself, “is it serious about me?” “Does he want anything more than casual dating?” “Where is this relationship going?”
Not knowing the answers she feels more and more unsure about where the relationship is going. She becomes anxious and loses her composure.
She turns from a confident self-assured person into an insecure, uncertain, needy girlfriend who needs validation and reassurance on a level that’s much higher than what she is getting from her man.
He still likes her, but he starts to sense that something has changed about her, and he can’t put a finger on it, but he is feeling as if she was somehow different. And not in a good way.
We all know that the Number One quality men find irresistibly attractive in women is confidence. But being unsure about how the man feels about their relationship makes her confidence level plummet.
She becomes overly emotional, acting sometimes moody or upset. She becomes unpredictable in a way she is acting. Some of the man’s actions or words are perceived in a way that makes her upset, not talkative, and even makes her want to cry.
On the other hand, the man does not understand her emotions. All he knows is that she used to be a confident, self-assured person who was a lot of fun to be around. Now he starts seeing her as a needy, insecure, overly emotional girlfriend who is burdened by negative emotions.
Men aren’t intuitive as women when it comes to emotions. They don’t understand them as well as we do, and they certainly don’t want to deal with something they can’t relate to and identify with.
Men find emotions overbearing, and the only solution they can find in this situation is to step completely out of it, because this is all they can do. Men prefer removing themselves from the situation rather than dealing with something they can’t explain or solve.
If you have ever found yourself in a situation similar to this, and the experience described here is familiar to you, there is still a chance you can fix your relationship gone sour because of your insecurities, get the man who walked away interested in you again with renewed passion, solidify your existing relationship with your man, or even prevent this situation from happening in the future.
If you are in a casual dating relationship and you want to take your casual relationship to committed I have great news for you – YOU CAN take your casual relationship to commitment effortlessly when you know the secrets to going from a casual dating to commitment. I get a lot of emails from women who ask me how to make a man take a relationship to the next level of commitment. Read this email below and my response to it and you will learn something new about men and commitment that you probably did not know before!
I am wondering if you give me some advice.
I want your opinion as to what i should do in my situation, as I made some big mistakes when we first broke up.
We were together for a year, but it was rocky. We were on/off, and I felt him pulling away from me/distancing himself at times. He has a lot going on in his life – work, a child to his ex, gym etc… this made finding time together difficult, but when we were together, things were great. I love this man, dearly. Towards the 12mth mark, i started asking him about the future and further commitment (we were exclusive, but I wanted to move in together, or at least discusss it) and he backed away completely. I didn’t handle it well at all, freaked out and we had massive arguments. Tears, anger, frustration.. the works. Then he ended it, saying that he “can’t be in a relationship” right now, and can’t give me what I want. I was devastated, and still am. I stupidly tried to get him to reconsider, but he is adamant that he needs time for himself, and could not commit to anyone at all, and doesn’t want to let me down.
Is there no hope in this situation, since i basically begged him to stay with me?! I don’t know how to proceed. I considered writing to him in a couple of weeks and saying ‘thanks for taking the courage to end it, I appreciate the time to myself as well”, so that there isn’t such a power inbalance between us, but I don’t know whether to do that, or just cut all contact. He has texted me a couple of times since the break up (just a week ago) asking if I am ok, checking in etc, but I haven’t responded.
Is there anything else I should be doing to get him back and make him commit to me??
Thank you so much,
Truth is, when a man wants to be with a woman he will do anything to keep her around. It appears that your ex was in for a good time, but when you started talking commitment he became withdrawn and broke up with you.
Can you get him back? That’s a question you are asking yourself.
The reason you broke up in the first place is because your goals for the future did not match up. You wanted commitment; he did not.
If you want a secure committed relationship you should be with a man who can give you commitment. If a man cannot give you commitment you have two choices to make; You can either move on and find a commitment-oriented man, or you can encourage your man to want to commit to you.
Encouraging a man to commit has nothing to do with begging, pleading and convincing. Just because you are exclusive with a man this does not mean you are in a committed relationship.
In order to encourage a man to commit, you have to understand how a commitment process works for a man.
In my book Guide To Commitment I show you how to go from a casual dating relationship to a secure committed relationship and marriage. You will also discover the one most important thing that must be present in your relationship for a man to want to commit to you.
When this one thing is present, he will want to make you his wife. You will be the only one he wants to be with and the one he wants to keep forever.
If you want to learn what that one thing is, and how to take your relationship from a casual dating relationship to commitment and marriage I encourage you to read Guide To Commitment!
I get a lot of emails from confused women asking me why men go from hot to cold, back and forth, so I wanted to write this article to explain the three main reasons why men will go hot and cold, confusing you in the process by such inconsistent behavior.
The number one reason men will blow hot and cold is that the woman herself starts acting too pushy too early on and pushes him away. When a man you are dating hasn’t decided yet he is ready to commit to a more serious relationship with you, and you already hear the wedding bells in your head, the emotions you project during your dates and the things you say to him make it transparent that you are looking for a relationship that is more serious than what he is currently offering you.
In this situation you need to re-assess your own behavior and how you come off. If you are finding that after a heartfelt confession on how much you like him he is pulling away, you’ve just scared him off. Take the time for his feelings for you develop with the same intensity before he makes a commitment to a serious relationship.
The most important thing to remember is that it has to come from him.
Reason number 2 men blow hot and cold is that they often need time to process their emotions and need a little readjustment before taking a plunge to make a more serious commitment to the woman in his life.
You may find that after spending a fabulous weekend together he doesn’t call you for three days or immerses into his work.
Don’t worry and give him time. Sometimes after smelling roses for a couple of days a man will want to get back to pursuing his goals. He may get scared that spending romantic time on the beach will take over his life and leave nothing else, so he will want to jump into work just to feel like nothing has changed and he is still the man he was before he met you.
Lastly, reason number three why men blow hot and cold is that he wants to keep you in his life but doesn’t want to commit to you completely. He starts pursuing you when you pull back out of fear to lose you entirely, but when he feels that he is back in the comfort zone in which there is no threat that you will leave him, he goes back to the cold mode.
Astonishingly in studies that I talk about in Guide To Commitment which were done on unmarried couples, majority of men currently living with their girlfriends said they did not want to marry their girlfriends because they didn’t see them as their soulmates. Those men also identified what they’d consider their soulmates and the kind of woman they’d commit. You can learn more about it on This Page – Click Here To Read!
Has your relationship gone sour? If so, you are not alone. Many folks can relate to this.
Here is a message I got on my blog from a guy. He wants to hear from my subscribers who are women as to what they think about this situation. Please read this story and leave your comments in the comment section down below.
I am a man 50 yrs old, I have been in a relationship with the most wonderful woman I have ever met in my entire life for a little over a year now.The first 4 months were crazy with intimacy, desire and the true feeling of love. She told me early on how much see wanted me in her life forever. I in time said I wanted her the same way. Then, boom, she broke up with me… I stayed away and had no contact for about 6 weeks, she called me and we started back up where we left off. It was great for months again, I stayed at her house half the week at her request. Then, again she broke it off, never really giving me a reason. Again I stayed away, with no contact for two months, she called me back, started right where we left off again. We were having a great time, all was good…and then again after 4 months, she broke it off again. I did the same thing again, no contact for about 3 weeks when she called me back again.
This time though she has kept the relationship more as a booty call, she will ask me to come over, we have a terrific time for the evening, and most of the next day, she has a hard time letting me leave. If I call her to see how she is doing, the call is short and sweet, If I ask to meet her, she puts me off, then in a few days calls to have me over.
I am perplexed, I know she loves me because she shows me and tells me Im the best guy she has ever known and that she loves me. Now I dont know what she wants in our relationship. If I ask her she moves away from the topic and tells me she doesnt know what she wants and what to do….
What do you think about all of this, she knows I want her, what advise can you give me, I want her involved in my life and I want to be involved in hers. How do I bring her back the way we were?