Saying that she’s been hurt and doesn’t want to get hurt again, and she goes to see him right there and then; however when it comes to making public appearances or announcing herself in a relationship with this man in public – and she acts like she has nothing to do with him as if she doesn’t want anyone to know about their relationship and only wants to keep him behind the closed doors of her bedroom afraid that others find out she is seeing him.

When you don’t want to get hurt or when you have baggage that prevents you from investing emotions into a new lover you do not sleep with them.

It’s stupid to continue having sex with the person claiming she doesn’t want to get hurt.

It’s even more bizarre to proclaim she doesn’t want others to know about their affair because she doesn’t want to get hurt. I think it’s about the social status and not the “i-don’t-want-to-get-hurt” excuse!

I have played a big part in her life prior to our last break up. She has had some problems with her teenage sons and I have helped her resolve them. Hers sons like and respect me, they have no real relationship with their own father. I have helped her with other family problems as well, mostly just listening and then giving her some suggestions as to what she could do. Most of these problems have now gone away, one son even enrolled in college. She has recognized my ability to help her and her boys and says she is grateful for all Ive done. She has told me recently that she feels she is unable to move along in our relationship because of her ex husband. She recognizes that the hurt she felt from his actions and abusive behaviour have kept her from really trusting anyone again and that she is scared of two things, hurting me by keeping me at a distance and, getting hurt herself if she continues with our relationship. She seems to need a guarantee that all will be fine in the long run with us.

I have told her I have no desire to find someone else and that I was willing to be in this relationship the way its going as long as I felt she still loved me. I recognize that fear is keeping her away and said that if she really cared about herself, she would perhaps seek counselling to help her move on in her life.I spent two years doing that befor even attempting to get involved with anyone. She is a highly successful woman in her professional life, very kind and caring and such a wonderful person all around. I love her immensely and will do what it takes to help her find peace in her heart so that she can trust again, hopefully me!

[A note to other comments, we are two years apart in age, neither one of us is abusive, however we have both been in highly abusive past marriages. Neither one of us has ever cheated on anyone, nor have we been abusive. My children are younger and will be around at least 5 more years (they live with me 60% of the time), hers created many problems due to drugs in their teenage years because of her marriage break up (she was left to raise them with her ex always interfering in negative ways, I am rebuilding my professional life (my marriage breakup cost me all I had). I am 100% sure there is no other man in her life.Drugs and alcohol are not involved for either of us.]

I am sure she loves me, she actually used those words again recently! I know she is haunted by her present emotional state. How can I give her what she needs (basically no pressure in our relationship) so that she understands that I will be there for her, while still forming the connections of unified trust, intimacy and interdependence to enhance and comfort both our souls and stay together forever. Like I said, she is the most wonderful woman I have ever meet and I truly dont want to loose her.

Thank you.

Thank you so much for giving us the opportunity to write to you directly. I bought your book 101 reasons and also get your man back. To be honest though, the later one may suit more to my situation.

I had been w/ my ex on and off for about a year. He started pursuing me very intensely from last Apr, while at the same time there were lots of others chasing me as well. However, he was the one that was most intense and direct, and for this reason we got physically close very soon- maybe in a month- then he assumed that I was with him. At that time I felt that my heart was not settled yet, and I was still sort of looking.

My still hanging out with other guys (although I insisted to him that I wasn’t interested in them) and not wanting to be his gf officially frustrated him and also hurt him. He said he had never met any girl that ‘s do this to him before (of his past 7-8gf he only chased about 2).

We kept hanging out and being close and I finally decided to be with him officially in early July,2009. But then we ran into lots of problems. He had some emotion control issues so we had fight and break up and he’d come back to beg me back maybe 2 or 3 times ( or more). There has also been time that he suddenly felt he wasn’t ready yet because when he started pursuing me, he was just out of the last relationship for 2 months, and his ex still lived at his place during that time since she didn’t have a place to stay yet. Though very soon she moved to her friend’s place. He said he normally took at least a yr off before dating again, but he felt he couldn’t wait because I was too popular and he knew that many guys were interested so he felt he had to act fast.

We’d been on and off and sometimes it’s not clear whether it’s on or off, which also led to fights. There were times that I felt it was off, since we either said we’d broke up, or he said he needed to take a break, but then we got close again and started hanging out again. To me it was not official so I’d go out to friend’s party or go on trip with friends without asking him to join, and that hurts him too and led to fights.

Anyway the past month we had been steadier, and he’s also been improving on his emotion control issues. However, we got into fights again on May 9 and he tried to talk over stuff . On May 12 when talking over the phone we were both frustrated. And I felt that he was gonna say something to say we shouldn’t be together (which I had said during those several days, I said ” maybe we just don’t fit”), so when he blamed that I wasn’t considerate enough and wish I admit it, I said ” Just go find some other more considerate girls. I’m not the one for you and I’m tired of this”, then told him there’s no point of more talking since we never get any consensus, and we ended the call.

After that he called twice, I was too emotionally overwhelmed so decided not to pick up. He left a message and said that even though we were breaking up I didn’t have to say such words. And he said that he really enjoyed our time together and wishes me the best.

The next night he called after he took off from work. He told me that he had kept a coupon that I needed for me a week ago but hadn’t got any chance to give it to me over the past several days (either I was busy or we were fighting). He said he’d find sometime to give it to me or I can pick it up. The call last for only a minute.

Then we didn’t talk for a week. In the past when we broke up it’s usually bad and ugly and then he’d come back to me within several days and asked me to try again. But this time it was relatively calmer.

May 19 he called me to ask when would be the best time to give me the coupon because he’s gonna be out of town for work from May 21 for 2-3 weeks. He said I could also pick it up from his place ( I still have his house key with me). I told him I’d pick it up when he’s there and I went to get it last night.

When I saw him I kept the conversation really short and light. I thank him for his coupon and got it and said goodbye, I could feel that he didn’t want to say goodbye so soon but had nothing appropriate to say either. I was smiling all the time (I know he loved my smile) . I asked him whether he needs a ride to the airport he said it’s ok he’d take the bus.

I wish he’d rekindle the relationship and wants to be with me again. But I’m not sure if he’d do so. This time is a bit different. And I’m not sure what to do. I’m not desperate or anything and I’m not emotionally unstable. I only broke down once when I was reading Eat, Pray and Love for maybe 2 minutes after out break up and I feel fine. But I do miss him and wonder whether we’d work. I wish we have a chance to try again.

I’d really appreciate it if you’d give me some ideas. I am very looking forward to hearing your insights!

sincerely,
Sophia