Commitment Phobic Boyfriend. Is Your Boyfriend a Commitment Phobe?

January 24, 2010 by  
Filed under Commitment Issues

You may be asking yourself, is my boyfriend a commitment phobic? And what is a commitment phobe anyway? Some will even say, all men are commitment phobics. It’s true that men do get this bad rap of “not being able to commit” to one woman.

This post contributed by a guest blogger analyses commitment phobia and the signs of a commitment phobic. Written by a woman this commitment phobic analysis may give you some serious food for thought. Ask yourself, is my boyfriend displaying some of these commitment phobic signs? Do you think some of the commitment issues described by the author are present in your boyfriend? Perhaps this can help shine the light on your boyfriend’s fear of commitment.

I have to say, I am probably one of the worst commitment phobes to ever exist on this planet. I was held as a child, I’m not a whore nor a player, and I’m not some flaky person. After some thought and reflection, I came up with some of my own personal perceptions vs truths about my own commitment phobes.

1. Perception about commitment phobic: I don’t like it when people make a big deal about anything. You know, when you announce something new to people and they go “OMG, WHAT?!” and they start looking at you like you did something totally unheard of and you now must be looked at and gossiped about. I honestly hate it. I guess it’s because I’m pretty self-conscious. I like to be known for my achievements, but I hate it when people just PUSH me into the spotlight about my personal life. I guess you could say that I’m pretty introverted when it comes to my personal life.

Truth about commitment phobic: No one cares. It’s inevitable that people will be surprised at first especially if you’re basically to yourself or if it’s BAM, unexpected. But, this isn’t middle school anymore. We have learned that yes, guys do not have cooties. So, if you’re like me and you just would rather have people stay out of your business, then don’t act like it’s such a big deal and shrug it off. People will just accept it as a part of your daily life. I had to seriously work up my confidence to rock a full face of makeup everyday. It’s because I hated it when people just stared VERY AWKWARDLY into my face and go “IS THAT EYELINER?!” Yes. Yes it is. Now get out of my face.

2. Perception about commitment phobes: I am a workaholic. Yes, a full fledged workaholic. Any relationship will get in my way of schoolwork and I will fail. Basically, I can’t handle 2 relationships at one time.

Truth about commitment phobes: I have pushed away guys who wanted to date me because well, once school kicked in, I got very busy. I have yet to find how some people in my school are able to have a life and yet be valedictorians. I think that it has something to do with being able to just separate your mind into two entities, one for work/school and the other for your life. I haven’t been able to do that. But I’m trying!

3. Perception about commitment phobes: I am a micro-analyzer. I look for flaws, little idiosyncrasies that define a person and decide that I hate them and they need to conform to my standards. I can be tough and uncompromising. Excuse my language but I can be so harsh and critical. I know that right now I’m going to squish two things into one, but they mesh so well together that you guys forgive me right? It’s difficult for me to let my guard down and really let people get to know me.

Truth about commitment phobes: I think that the micro-analyzing has to do with not being able to let people into my life. I know people who are super nice at first, but once you get closer to them, they’ll just try to slip away because well, they feel too trapped. Oh my goodness this is like Book for Dummies- How to be a commitment phobe. But yes, it’s true. I have issues trusting people that and so I know for a fact that I push people away as soon as they start to wander into the “very close” territory. It’s terrifying. So next time someone tells you that they can’t commit because they can’t trust people? Know that it can actually be a problem. How to deal? I’m trying to get over the fact that people won’t make a big fuss over everything unless you let them so trying to trust people will be the next step for me.

4. Perception about commitment phobic: I am the biggest perfectionist on the face of this planet. Everything needs to conform to my standards and reach my personal moral code. I have issues with people not doing what I say or want them to do.

Truth about commitment phobic: Okay, now this one I think I am almost successful in dealing with. After hurting a whole lot of people because they don’t reach my standards of working or well, anything else, I’ve come to realize that you can’t expect people to do exactly what you want because they aren’t you. They aren’t mind readers. Also, you need to realize that you have to trust people to do what you asked. Unless they are truly incapable of doing something or completely untrustworthy, those people will come through for you. It takes some blind faith and it’s terrifying. But ultimately, it’s good for you. It takes a whole lot of scary steps to build up trust with a person and a strong relationship is based off of trust, right?

Honestly ladies, I can’t pretend to be some sort of Dr. Phil-esque relationship genius. I have so many issues with my own personal life that it’s kind of stupid for me to try to give you some serious advice about what to do with your problems. All I can do is to put my problems on display and hope that you realize that yes, there are other commitment phobes like you and yes, you can battle this too. I think that if you closely analyze your own reasons for not being able to commit, lest even make the first step, you could possibly see that everything is just a cycle. I hate being fussed over, so I don’t trust people to just accept things and move forward in a normal fashion. I also am extremely serious about my work so I don’t trust people enough to be able to accept my workaholic nature and well, work with it instead of against it. This leads to me micro-analyzing because I, like every other woman, seek perfection. This leads to me pushing people away as soon as I realize that they aren’t perfect. It’s horrifying now that I’m reading this to myself.

Ladies, I wish you the best of luck. We are all in this together. If you have serious issues with trust and commitment, talk to yourself. Find out what’s holding you back. I’m still on my journey and I know that it can’t be quite painful trying to open yourself up to others, but I’m sure that it’ll be worth it.

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2 Responses to “Commitment Phobic Boyfriend. Is Your Boyfriend a Commitment Phobe?”
  1. marli says:

    He told me that he was commitment phobic. I realise now that ive been kinda pushing him into trying to have a serious relationship, and now that ive seen ive been pushing him. Im just gonna not say anything to do with wanting a serious relationship with him. I love him lots and I litrelly cant loose him, I think he is the one but I just need to controll myself. Ive looked back on conversations and relised now how much ive been doing it. I talked with him last night and told him I can wait and things. He doesnt like saying love which is understandable for a guy who is commitment phobia. Basically Im wanting to wait, go and enjoy myself keep my head high then wait for that one day when he turns back to me and says im ready for this. I dont want to move onto another guy and look for another, i seriously think he is the one and i love him to bits. He has kind of made out that he wants me to stop talking about all this serious relationship things. So im gonna try this out, I see online that someone had said if you are willing to wait then try and make most of the time waiting worth it rather than wasting it. I mean Im at university studying and im only 18 and 19 in may and im still young, but i have fell in deep love and i want to wait for him 😀 Im happy as long as im not bothering him. And he says he still loves me but i think he is affriad to keep mensioning it now that ive been pushing too much. But its ok im fine with waiting. and if he ever gets to read this i hope he understands that im needing to do this because I can never loose him. If anyone can help with how to keep myself away from saying/ mensioning things to him about serious relationship between us then id really would like that alot : )

    well thats all i think i need to say… Thanks!

  2. Haefner says:

    32. You could definitely see your expertise in the work you write. The world hopes for more passionate writers like you who aren’t afraid to say how they believe. Always follow your heart.

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