If you are looking for information on emotionally unavailable people and emotionally unavailable men in particular you’ve come to the right place. Most of the articles you find on this blog are dedicated to commitment and relationships, and with that said, emotionally unavailable subject comes up frequently throughout this blog.
Emotionally unavailable people do not always admit that they have difficult time settling down with one person, so I recommend that you read this article that gives you a perfect example of emotionally unavailable people including emotionally unavailable men and emotionally unavailable women as well.
I have received a whole lot of emails from you guys in response to my previous article on Dating Unavailable Men and I wanted to share one of them here because I think this situation is something many of you can relate to, so here is the email:
The title of your article Dating Mr. Unavailable caught my attention. I am dating a guy who is unavailable – both emotionally and physically, and I wanted to ask for your opinion. You can share this email with other women as I’d very much like to hear what others think about this situation as well.
We met through mutual business connections; I am an executive at a fast-growing technology startup and he is a CEO of a tech company.
Several months ago when we met he asked me out and we went on a few dates. He was calling and texting a lot trying to make plans but essentially bailing out and re-scheduling or cancelling a couple of dates due to his sudden last minute schedule changes, so we only went on a handful of dates with most of our communications taking place through texting or emailing.
He travels all over the country and pretty much all over the world for work, and often his plans change on a last minute notice. In a short time that we dated he had to switch plans on me two times at the last minute, so I told him to take a hike.
Several months later we bumped into each other at a business event and he asked if he could call me to talk about some business ideas. I said yes thinking that it would be strictly business. He didn’t call but emailed a couple of days later apologizing for not calling and explaining that he’d been very busy, which I didn’t really react to because at that time I was well over whatever the initial feelings I had started developing for him when we went out.
Long story short, sometime later I hear from him again and he talks about some business ideas I wanted to hear more about. I jump at the opportunity and offer to meet, and sure enough he has some interesting ideas.
Our business lunch went well over the initially allocated time. We went to a concert he invited me to and had drinks afterwards. I really liked his touch and affection (like holding hands, etc.) so I decided to go with my feelings and take advantage of him being there for the moment as it had been a while for me.
The sex was good and I asked him if he was seeing anyone to which he said no, so I asked him jokingly if he wanted to be my booty call. He kinda laughed at it and said I’d be HIS booty call. I said that with his crazy travel schedule I wasn’t sure he could fulfill my requirements as I would be interested in seeing someone on a somewhat regular basis and he swore that going forward he only had a few travel plans and he was planning to be in town for the most part.
He kept in touch regularly after that and for the next month or so we had sporadic dates which included going to a party he invited me to, dinners, drinks, hikes, but mostly texting and emailing with him traveling all over the place again. We both have children which makes it even harder to make time to see each other and I feel like he is always squeezing me in between his meeting, airports and conference calls. I appreciate him modifying his plans to make sure I get what I want, but I always feel that he is still not at my beck and call as I am also busy and when I get a free moment I call him and it turns out he is in meetings or is out of town. Then he calls me or texts me to probe me on my schedule and if I don’t respond the same day he goes ahead and makes other plans.
Due to this unpredictability I told him I do not want to hear from him asking me about my schedule if he himself doesn’t know what he is going to do. He told me that he thought it would be nice to make plans in advance and this was why he texted me several days in advance, but I told him to figure out his plans firm before asking me about my plans. Last time I saw him he asked me what days of the week my schedule was open and said he would be making plans according to this.
Now, Elaine, my question is, should I give this relationship a shot or should I move on? He has agreed to see me on my schedule and on my terms, but I don’t see that it’s feasible given his schedule. I read your article Mr. Unavailable and I feel that it applies to me – I am definitely not his first priority but the last. I have many pursuers and my common sense tells me he is not capable of giving me what I need. I like him the most, but I feel that I myself draw a line as to how far emotionally invested I get with him.
From what you are telling me I can say that not only your guy is emotionally unavailable but you yourself are unavailable without even realizing it. You draw a line as to how far you get invested, and you want the guy to be on your beck and call and on your schedule. It sounds like you have a clear understanding of what you want, and you draw a line as to how far you will go. It sounds more like a business proposition than romance to me.
Perhaps the reason you are attracted to unavailable men is that you are emotionally unavailable yourself. You know what you want, and it sounds from what you are saying that you don’t really care about who will give you what you need.
While it may be what you are looking for, if you desire to find and attract true love you can’t approach dating people with the mindset that you want it black and white. There are many shades of dating; it’s not always on your terms; there is a compromise, a mutual desire to make it work.
It’s good to be clear as to what you want; when you are clear with the men you date as to what your expectations are, you are saving yourself a lot of trouble by weeding out people who cannot in the long run meet your requirements. If you truly liked the guy you would be willing to compromise if he was willing to compromise and meet you in the middle.
It sounds like he is a pretty busy guy; I don’t know if he is truly emotionally unavailable or is just unavailable physically in terms of physical presence in the area, and the time that he can allocate to a relationship with you or dating you for that matter.
But the true problem is with this relationship is that you are not opening up to a possibility to have a relationship with substance, and thus I recommend that you keep your own expectations low.
If he made promises to you I’d keep him accountable for the promises he’s made. If he can’t be accountable for his word and cannot follow through it sounds like you have no problems moving on.
Now, I want to hear from you guys, what do you think of this situation? Does this sound familiar to you? Have you ever been involved with a man or a woman for that matter who is emotionally unavailable? Do you find yourself emotionally unavailable? Share your thoughts!