How a Commitment Phobic Got Married

August 5, 2010 by  
Filed under Marriage Commitment

Do you want to know if commitment phobics finally commit to marriage? You bet! Here is a true story of a man who was a commitment phobic and who is now happily married for more than two years.

Several years ago I got into a minor fender bender accident and I needed a lawyer. James, a lawyer living in my town who took my case, was a typical commitment phobic.

Divorced, with two kids and insane hatred toward divorces, marriages and his ex wife who drove him nuts by not allowing him to see his children he swore he’d never get married again.

At that time he was dating Betty, his girlfriend who was divorced with two kids.

His kids were boys; her kids were girls.

Betty had a hot body and a beautiful face. They had a relationship for a year and a half and she was pushing for marriage.

James loved Betty but he did not feel like marrying her. In fact he swore that he did not want to get married because of his prior bad experience with divorce and also because he thought that bringing another woman into his life would jeopardize his custodial arrangements with his kids.

If you know anything about California family law, getting married can be a strong detriment for a parent and is certainly a ‘significant change of circumstances’ under which a party can bring a motion for modification of custody. In laymen terms this means that if he got married his ex wife could file papers in court to ask the judge to reduce his time with his children claiming that the new wife would be detrimental to their kids.

After struggling with James’ non-commitment Betty finally moved on.

James dated several women casually and as soon as the woman wanted something more serious he told her that he was not looking for anything more serious and gradually disappeared from her life. He told me that every time a woman and he became intimate she immediately started to assume that this was going somewhere, so he sensed it.

When James met Sally she wasn’t any different from his other dates. They met on a dating site, went out three times, and slept together on their third date, which was no different from everyone else he had met before EXCEPT Sally was pretty laid back and she did not assume that they were in a relationship after they slept together.

James continued to call her and ask her out. After a while he stopped seeing anyone else because he had such a good time with Sally that seeing anyone else did not appeal to him anymore.

Not once did Sally ask where their relationship was going. Not once did she ask if he was seeing anyone else or if he had stopped.

At some point my case was closed and I lost track of James. Six months later I ran into him by accident. We had a small chit chat and he told me he was on the way to his girlfriend’s house. I asked if it was the same person he had been dating and he said yes.

Another six months or so went by and I ran into James again. At this time he said his girlfriend was in the process of moving in with him and he was putting an addition to his house to make it roomier for the kids (Sally had three). I asked if he was planning to get married and he said he had not thought about it yet, and probably not but if he ever did get married again she’d be the one.

A few months went by and they got engaged and married shortly after. I called James because I needed paperwork from my old case in which he represented me and he told me he had gotten married. Actually he was very excited as he spoke about it. I still run into him here and there and he is still happily married.

So, you may ask, what the heck did Sally do differently that made a commitment phobic commit?

Let me spell it out here; She did not assume anything; she went with the flow; she allowed the natural progression of a relationship to take its place on its own. She never asked where their relationship was going. She allowed her future husband to take the lead and decide on his own time that he was so in love with her that he WANTED to marry her.


If you’ve had a chance to check out Commitment Phobic To Husband it pretty much spells out everything a wise woman knows about men and what a commitment process involves. You need to allow the man to be the lead.

Pressuring a man into commitment will not get you in the door. It will only get you out the door. For a man to commit he has to WANT to commit. In other words, it has to be HIS initiative. And if you don’t know how to relax, stop worrying about the timelines and the time frames for moving in, getting engaged and getting married and want to be in control of your life, I recommend that you check out Commitment Phobic To Husband if you haven’t yet because the women who have – already know the secrets to making a man want to commit to you forever – Click Here to Read>>>

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4 Responses to “How a Commitment Phobic Got Married”
  1. Gina says:

    Sorry….this story does not qualify as a “commitment phobic.” Those guys are the ones who are well into their 40’s, never been married and out of the ball game of ever having kids. They are clueless as to living with anyone long term besides themselves and for the majority of their lives are content with going home to an empty house and know nothing else besides being responsible for anyone other than themselves.

    The guy in this story doesnt qaulify because he’s committed in the past and also has children and was a responsible adult during and after that relationship. Totally different scenario.

    I was talking to a recently met friend today who is an employee at a local Lowe’s garden center where I frequently shop who during our conversation she stated that her male cousin who’s 55 years old, an executive for Apple Computers and who’s never been married……… met a woman online and is getting hitched for the very first time. Now he’d be a candidate and case study for the above story. Guys who have been married and with children dont necessary qualify as commitment phobics…. their past doesnt say “commitment phobic” it says “I need time before I do this again, if I do this again”. Big difference and could also be a huge challenge for a guy not use to answering to anyone or coming home to an added face on his turf on a daily basis. Lets be realistic here. In this case probably realized he’s getting old, tired of playing the field and no longer has the energy or stamina of keeping up with the young chicks so finally throwing in the towel and jumping the broom since more than half of his life is over with. Again….either a man is ready to commit or he’s not.

  2. hillary says:

    I agree. He is either ready or not. I recently was devasted by my first relationship after my 20 year marriage. My boyfriend had a fear or intimacy. When things got close he would put us on hold. He had been married before with one child but he is an alcoholic who drank the whole marriage. Now 8 years sober I was his first sober relationship. I kept it relaxed and never called and pushed him. I wanted to see him more than one day a week but understood his situation and was being patient. Were were on and off a few times. As soon as the love word popped up he broke up with me…saying he cant love, never loved his wife and fears he wont love anyone. We didnt see each other for a couple of months and then did 7 months of texting and emailing. He had told me he would never date again but when I found him on a dating site I confronted him and ended our contact. He was looking for someone to go to movies and dinner and no expectations of any sort….very sad and very hurtful to me. Another woman would not make a difference…my attitude was relaxed and happy…love should be happily shared whether or not marriage is a goal or not and the fear of it shouldnt make a guy bolt for the door. He will never find a woman who just wants to “hang out”….after 2 dates he will disappear like he did with the other couple of women before me. I was the first he actually had a relationship with other than his wife. So I think instead of blaming a woman’s attitude maybe we should just be more selective with who who give our hearts to….we can love some of their qualities but if a guy doesnt want what you want…marriage, a relationship, love, whatever it is you need… need to find someone who wants the same. I am 53. I am still learning. I just met another nice man who is more into this relationship than I am…he is sweet and funny and smart and cute and I need to get to know him slowly….very slowly…before my heart eveen goes there.

  3. Christina says:

    I agree that this isn’t really a “commitment phobic” type of man. I am in my mid-twenties and I can tell you that for a long time I seemed to be dating men that would definitely fit the commitment phobe category a lot better! They were always very successful when it came to money, and seemed to think this meant they needed nothing else in their lives and could just use women for company and sex whenever it suited them, but that is all they want nothing more. These men would be in their mid-thirties by the way, usually never having been married and definitely had no children. All their lives they only had number one to think about, themselves. In fact, I realised that our “dates” were barely even dates, after date number 2 or 3, they were set up to eventually get me back to their place for sex, and the fact they’d let me sleep over as I lived out of town seemed to make them think they were a nice guy. They’d send a txt message or two during the week to pretend they were actually interested in my life, then the whole thing would happen again until I got to a point of realising that this was just sex and they truly had no other interest in me. If I didn’t ‘give it up’ so to speak, I would also quickly be struck off the list. If I asked “where is this actually going” (after months of his so called dating) I’d be cut off immediately, and if I didn’t, it would just carry on in the same fashion for months and months, sometimes beyond a year on and off with absolutely no intention of them ever committing because 1) I was keeping it so casual to suit them, and 2) why commit when the woman is being so laid back about it? They are getting everything they need on a plate this way without having to commit, how perfect for them!

    I soon realised that it is impossible to get this type of commitment phobe man to ever even entertain the idea of a relationship, and started dating men that were eventually looking for some type of commitment from the start. I can now always tell by a man’s attitude from date no.1 what it is he actually eventually wants.

    So my point is, a real commitment phobe cannot be changed into wanting to commit by simply acting casual and not pushing for anything, as I have trialed and tested this on the best of them and it just doesn’t work lol.

    Acting casual and going with the flow only works on men who have had previous serious relationships, are sitting on the fence with not knowing if they want one with you, and actually have a need for one in their life.

  4. Lulu says:

    I am aware of guys who do not like pressure and questions ‘ where is it going’ so…. with that being said I dated one commitmenphobic for almost 6 years and …. I kept it casual, never asked ANY questions and never made any demands… It was very hard but I did not want to be ‘like the rest of them’ ( meaning women). Well, after 6 years nothing has changed. It was only sex , some texting in between and our ‘ relatinship’ never progressed to spending more time together, to him being more attached to me or even calling me his girlfriend. He never wanted to commit, I saw him on other dating sites, I broke up with him and never lookied back.
    So, I do truly believe that if a man WANTS to have a girlfriend or if he WANTS to be in a committed relationsip or if he IS LOOKING to get married – HE WILL! ..without an effort on our part!! It is up to a man to make this happen… We just need to find those men.

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