How a Commitment Phobic Got Married
August 5, 2010 by admin
Filed under Marriage Commitment
Several years ago I got into a minor fender bender accident and I needed a lawyer. James, a lawyer living in my town who took my case, was a typical commitment phobic.
Divorced, with two kids and insane hatred toward divorces, marriages and his ex wife who drove him nuts by not allowing him to see his children he swore he’d never get married again.
At that time he was dating Betty, his girlfriend who was divorced with two kids.
His kids were boys; her kids were girls.
Betty had a hot body and a beautiful face. They had a relationship for a year and a half and she was pushing for marriage.
James loved Betty but he did not feel like marrying her. In fact he swore that he did not want to get married because of his prior bad experience with divorce and also because he thought that bringing another woman into his life would jeopardize his custodial arrangements with his kids.
If you know anything about California family law, getting married can be a strong detriment for a parent and is certainly a ‘significant change of circumstances’ under which a party can bring a motion for modification of custody. In laymen terms this means that if he got married his ex wife could file papers in court to ask the judge to reduce his time with his children claiming that the new wife would be detrimental to their kids.
After struggling with James’ non-commitment Betty finally moved on.
James dated several women casually and as soon as the woman wanted something more serious he told her that he was not looking for anything more serious and gradually disappeared from her life. He told me that every time a woman and he became intimate she immediately started to assume that this was going somewhere, so he sensed it.
When James met Sally she wasn’t any different from his other dates. They met on a dating site, went out three times, and slept together on their third date, which was no different from everyone else he had met before EXCEPT Sally was pretty laid back and she did not assume that they were in a relationship after they slept together.
James continued to call her and ask her out. After a while he stopped seeing anyone else because he had such a good time with Sally that seeing anyone else did not appeal to him anymore.
Not once did Sally ask where their relationship was going. Not once did she ask if he was seeing anyone else or if he had stopped.
At some point my case was closed and I lost track of James. Six months later I ran into him by accident. We had a small chit chat and he told me he was on the way to his girlfriend’s house. I asked if it was the same person he had been dating and he said yes.
Another six months or so went by and I ran into James again. At this time he said his girlfriend was in the process of moving in with him and he was putting an addition to his house to make it roomier for the kids (Sally had three). I asked if he was planning to get married and he said he had not thought about it yet, and probably not but if he ever did get married again she’d be the one.
A few months went by and they got engaged and married shortly after. I called James because I needed paperwork from my old case in which he represented me and he told me he had gotten married. Actually he was very excited as he spoke about it. I still run into him here and there and he is still happily married.
So, you may ask, what the heck did Sally do differently that made a commitment phobic commit?
Let me spell it out here; She did not assume anything; she went with the flow; she allowed the natural progression of a relationship to take its place on its own. She never asked where their relationship was going. She allowed her future husband to take the lead and decide on his own time that he was so in love with her that he WANTED to marry her.
She just knew THE SECRETS TO MAKING A MAN COMMIT!
If you’ve had a chance to check out Commitment Phobic To Husband it pretty much spells out everything a wise woman knows about men and what a commitment process involves. You need to allow the man to be the lead.
Pressuring a man into commitment will not get you in the door. It will only get you out the door. For a man to commit he has to WANT to commit. In other words, it has to be HIS initiative. And if you don’t know how to relax, stop worrying about the timelines and the time frames for moving in, getting engaged and getting married and want to be in control of your life, I recommend that you check out Commitment Phobic To Husband if you haven’t yet because the women who have - already know the secrets to making a man want to commit to you forever – Click Here to Read>>>
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Sorry….this story does not qualify as a “commitment phobic.” Those guys are the ones who are well into their 40′s, never been married and out of the ball game of ever having kids. They are clueless as to living with anyone long term besides themselves and for the majority of their lives are content with going home to an empty house and know nothing else besides being responsible for anyone other than themselves.
The guy in this story doesnt qaulify because he’s committed in the past and also has children and was a responsible adult during and after that relationship. Totally different scenario.
I was talking to a recently met friend today who is an employee at a local Lowe’s garden center where I frequently shop who during our conversation she stated that her male cousin who’s 55 years old, an executive for Apple Computers and who’s never been married……… met a woman online and is getting hitched for the very first time. Now he’d be a candidate and case study for the above story. Guys who have been married and with children dont necessary qualify as commitment phobics…. their past doesnt say “commitment phobic” it says “I need time before I do this again, if I do this again”. Big difference and could also be a huge challenge for a guy not use to answering to anyone or coming home to an added face on his turf on a daily basis. Lets be realistic here. In this case probably realized he’s getting old, tired of playing the field and no longer has the energy or stamina of keeping up with the young chicks so finally throwing in the towel and jumping the broom since more than half of his life is over with. Again….either a man is ready to commit or he’s not.
I agree. He is either ready or not. I recently was devasted by my first relationship after my 20 year marriage. My boyfriend had a fear or intimacy. When things got close he would put us on hold. He had been married before with one child but he is an alcoholic who drank the whole marriage. Now 8 years sober I was his first sober relationship. I kept it relaxed and never called and pushed him. I wanted to see him more than one day a week but understood his situation and was being patient. Were were on and off a few times. As soon as the love word popped up he broke up with me…saying he cant love, never loved his wife and fears he wont love anyone. We didnt see each other for a couple of months and then did 7 months of texting and emailing. He had told me he would never date again but when I found him on a dating site I confronted him and ended our contact. He was looking for someone to go to movies and dinner and no expectations of any sort….very sad and very hurtful to me. Another woman would not make a difference…my attitude was relaxed and happy…love should be happily shared whether or not marriage is a goal or not and the fear of it shouldnt make a guy bolt for the door. He will never find a woman who just wants to “hang out”….after 2 dates he will disappear like he did with the other couple of women before me. I was the first he actually had a relationship with other than his wife. So I think instead of blaming a woman’s attitude maybe we should just be more selective with who who give our hearts to….we can love some of their qualities but if a guy doesnt want what you want…marriage, a relationship, love, whatever it is you need…..you need to find someone who wants the same. I am 53. I am still learning. I just met another nice man who is more into this relationship than I am…he is sweet and funny and smart and cute and I need to get to know him slowly….very slowly…before my heart eveen goes there.