How To Get This Relationship Back The Way It Was

September 3, 2010 by  
Filed under Commitment Issues

Has your relationship gone sour? If so, you are not alone. Many folks can relate to this.

Here is a message I got on my blog from a guy. He wants to hear from my subscribers who are women as to what they think about this situation. Please read this story and leave your comments in the comment section down below.

He writes:

I am a man 50 yrs old, I have been in a relationship with the most wonderful woman I have ever met in my entire life for a little over a year now.The first 4 months were crazy with intimacy, desire and the true feeling of love. She told me early on how much see wanted me in her life forever. I in time said I wanted her the same way. Then, boom, she broke up with me… I stayed away and had no contact for about 6 weeks, she called me and we started back up where we left off. It was great for months again, I stayed at her house half the week at her request. Then, again she broke it off, never really giving me a reason. Again I stayed away, with no contact for two months, she called me back, started right where we left off again. We were having a great time, all was good…and then again after 4 months, she broke it off again. I did the same thing again, no contact for about 3 weeks when she called me back again.

This time though she has kept the relationship more as a booty call, she will ask me to come over, we have a terrific time for the evening, and most of the next day, she has a hard time letting me leave. If I call her to see how she is doing, the call is short and sweet, If I ask to meet her, she puts me off, then in a few days calls to have me over.

I am perplexed, I know she loves me because she shows me and tells me Im the best guy she has ever known and that she loves me. Now I dont know what she wants in our relationship. If I ask her she moves away from the topic and tells me she doesnt know what she wants and what to do….

What do you think about all of this, she knows I want her, what advise can you give me, I want her involved in my life and I want to be involved in hers. How do I bring her back the way we were?

 Peter


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Comments

13 Responses to “How To Get This Relationship Back The Way It Was”
  1. Anna says:

    Peter,

    Why does she keep breaking up with you? What did she tell you? Has she ever told you what bothers her? Do you drink or use drugs? Or is there anything else you didn’t tell us?

    Also, unless she has real reasons for breaking up with you I would say the woman is crazy.

    It makes me wonder why you say she is the most wonderful woman you’ve ever met?

    What makes her so wonderful?

    She doesn’t sound like a wonderful woman frankly. And it doesn’t sound like she is treating you wonderfully.

    Anna

  2. sera says:

    i dont think she is crazy at all, i did the same to a lovely man for 2 years, i was in an abusive relationship before, i was so hurt it took me years to get over it, i broke down, used alcohol a lot along with antidepressant, i lost so many years the best years of my life trying to recover.
    well this lovely man entered my life as a friend, we stayed friends for 6 years and after this time things started to blossom romantically, it was lovely to cuddle up to someone be close again, and every time i felt like i was getting to fall for him, i got really scared and broke it off in fear that i will get hurt again.

  3. Beth says:

    Sounds like a transparent gender flip on what a woman is usually asking… If you are a doormat, don’t expect more…

  4. Christina says:

    Yeah, lots of interesting comments here. I think there is more to the story. Gender flip is obvious. Does she have another man? Does she have a personality disorder? Does she have children guilt tripping her? Does she have a drinking/drug problem or a “secret life”? Is there is significant age difference between you two? This is not mature behavior on her part. However, I do feel that you have an obligation to yourself to open up the dialogue and get to the real reasons why she backs off. This has become a hurtful pattern to you and unless you find out exactly why she is doing this, I see it continuing for as long as you take it. Good Luck!

  5. Jeanette says:

    I think the intimacy was really wonderful and she loved it so much , but then the thought of being so close to someone scared her and so she pulled away …she wants to be close to you but at the same time she is afraid of caring about you too much and so she is trying to see you and at the same time keep the distance so that she doesnt feel that emotional pull that scares her so much. Usually its men that are scared of emotional intimacy but in this case you have a woman that is scared !

    • Peter says:

      Thank you for your comment, I believe you are right. We have been together now again for about a month. She is still keeping her distance to a degree by not taking about us as a couple, however I am seeing her about three times a week. Sometime I just ask her out for some fun time, walking or a dinner or sometimes I just ask to see her to hang out. We rarely do things as a couple anymore like being with other people. Our phone calls and texts are short, the time we spend together are great though. Some times I choose to go home even if she wants me over the night and some time I stay over, it has nothing to do with what we did that evening, I thought it best to show her Im not in it for the love making alone.I have stayed off topic the entire time. We spend our time talking about our day, current family events (mostly hers) and other interests we share.

      I have played a big part in her life prior to our last break up. She has had some problems with her teenage sons and I have helped her resolve them. Hers sons like and respect me, they have no real relationship with their own father. I have helped her with other family problems as well, mostly just listening and then giving her some suggestions as to what she could do. Most of these problems have now gone away, one son even enrolled in college. She has recognized my ability to help her and her boys and says she is grateful for all Ive done. She has told me recently that she feels she is unable to move along in our relationship because of her ex husband. She recognizes that the hurt she felt from his actions and abusive behaviour have kept her from really trusting anyone again and that she is scared of two things, hurting me by keeping me at a distance and, getting hurt herself if she continues with our relationship. She seems to need a guarantee that all will be fine in the long run with us.

      I have told her I have no desire to find someone else and that I was willing to be in this relationship the way its going as long as I felt she still loved me. I recognize that fear is keeping her away and said that if she really cared about herself, she would perhaps seek counselling to help her move on in her life.I spent two years doing that befor even attempting to get involved with anyone. She is a highly successful woman in her professional life, very kind and caring and such a wonderful person all around. I love her immensely and will do what it takes to help her find peace in her heart so that she can trust again, hopefully me!

      [A note to other comments, we are two years apart in age, neither one of us is abusive, however we have both been in highly abusive past marriages. Neither one of us has ever cheated on anyone, nor have we been abusive. My children are younger and will be around at least 5 more years (they live with me 60% of the time), hers created many problems due to drugs in their teenage years because of her marriage break up (she was left to raise them with her ex always interfering in negative ways, I am rebuilding my professional life (my marriage breakup cost me all I had). I am 100% sure there is no other man in her life.Drugs and alcohol are not involved for either of us.]

      I am sure she loves me, she actually used those words again recently! I know she is haunted by her present emotional state. How can I give her what she needs (basically no pressure in our relationship) so that she understands that I will be there for her, while still forming the connections of unified trust, intimacy and interdependence to enhance and comfort both our souls and stay together forever. Like I said, she is the most wonderful woman I have ever meet and I truly dont want to loose her.

      Thank you.

      • Anna says:

        She sounds like someone i know and your comment clarifies your situation IMO. This woman I know is just like your girlfriend in a sense that she also has been in an on and off relationship with a man of a lesser socioeconomic status and is hesitant to make it official because of that. They have been together for three years and he has proposed to her several times. She even said yes at one point and they started planning a wedding, and in the midst of making wedding plans she told him she was not sure what she wanted and called if off, gave the ring back to him.

        • Jane says:

          I tend to agree that socioeconomic status discrepancies could be the main reason why this relationship will never work out and this woman in the article will never invest herself fully and become an official couple with him.

          Saying that she’s been hurt and doesn’t want to get hurt again, and she goes to see him right there and then; however when it comes to making public appearances or announcing herself in a relationship with this man in public – and she acts like she has nothing to do with him as if she doesn’t want anyone to know about their relationship and only wants to keep him behind the closed doors of her bedroom afraid that others find out she is seeing him.

          When you don’t want to get hurt or when you have baggage that prevents you from investing emotions into a new lover you do not sleep with them.

          It’s stupid to continue having sex with the person claiming she doesn’t want to get hurt.

          It’s even more bizarre to proclaim she doesn’t want others to know about their affair because she doesn’t want to get hurt. I think it’s about the social status and not the “i-don’t-want-to-get-hurt” excuse!

      • Jeanette says:

        Hi

        I think the best thing you can do is to do what you have been doing, just be there to help and support her and dont pressure her for anything else. Spend time with her, show her that she can trust you and that you arent her ex, share stories with her about your relationship with your abusive ex so that she can see that you have been in the same situation and that you understand where she is coming from. The key is to gain her trust and for that she needs proof and reassurance. Woman love men to give them gentle touches , a hug, a kiss on the neck, these are reassuring and will make her feel loved and also help her relax with you. Try and keep sex out of the relationship for a while, explain to her that you want her to understand that you care for her and that you want her to know that you arent there for sex! Spend time together just being together and talking, let her open up to you and talk about her fears and reassure her that you understand and will be there for her. Councelling is a great idea , she should consider going!

        • Sabina says:

          That’s exactly the point; he is not her ex!!! How is one man from her past relevant to her present relationship?

          I think all too often we make excuses when in reality they are just not that into us. End of story!

          We get so blindsided refusing to admit the truth – they are just using us when it is convenient for them and throw us away when they have no more use for us.

  6. Hottentott says:

    I don’t thnk she is crazy or immature, I feel though she is not interested enough, especially if she is a much younger woman. I was surprised to read this because usually the boot is on the other foot. Women write in becasue men behave this way and they can’t figure it out though they still stay with him.

    I just feel this woman is either seeing someone else or doesn’t need you that much in her life

  7. Gina says:

    Interesting and also proves that men seek relationship advice just as much as women do and in the human race of men and women, no one’s perfect.

  8. jennifer nielsen says:

    The most obvious thing I see here is that this woman has a commitment phobia pattern. This is why she has that knee jerk reaction every time you start getting closer to her emotionally and physically. This is quite a serious issue and has to do with some emotional limitations/beliefs that she has to deal with.

    If you really want to make this work in the long term – when you are both in a neutral/positive state bring it up with her and see if she will work with you to deal with this emotional issue.

    If she is unwilling – you will have to accept that this is the type of relationship that you are going to have with this woman. Constant knee jerking being in a relationship one moment and NOT in the next.

    You have to decide if that’s what you want.

    If you find that it’s not – then I would have a conversation with her, express your concerns, tell her what you want in a relaitonship and give her the opportunity to meet that or not.

    All the best, hope it works out for both of you in the end,

    Hot Alpha Female

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