How To Make Sure You Are More Than Friends With Benefits

July 15, 2010 by  
Filed under Commitment

Have you been dating a guy for a while but aren’t sure how he feels about you?

Are you sleeping with a guy but aren’t sure where you stand with him and what this relationship means to him?

Read this article very carefully because after you have read it you will have a very clear picture of what your relationship is for him.

When you and your guy are soul mates you just know it and you don’t question it.

If he takes care of you when you are sick and buys you your favorite ice-cream flavor when you have had a bad day at work you know he is in love with you.

When he turns down a night with the boys to cuddle on the couch and hang out with you know he is special.

When you can share your bed with him and feel like you have had the best night’s sleep ever you know it can last.

When you wake up next to him and smile at the sight of him lying beside you.

If he tells you, “You look amazing” while you are in your pajamas and have no makeup on he is for keeps.

If you aren’t sure he is all these things for you, you are probably making excuses for him.

You should not have to make excuses for anyone, especially for the man who is supposed to be closest to you.

Recently I have been asked a lot of questions about this subject.

Well here is the situation: you are in a relationship with a guy you really like. He starts behaving differently, missing dates and not calling so often.

Well to protect this man you love so much from the other people in your lives (friends and family) you make excuses; it starts with minor white lies.

He was supposed to take you to the movies, but cancels at the last minute without a reason. You just tell your friends he wasn’t feeling well.

Next, he doesn’t call you for a week. You tell your friends he is having commitment issues and he is scared. He is seen out with another girl and you tell people she is just a friend from work.

You are putting on a brave face but we all know how it feels to be hurting. The worst part is you are keeping all of that pain inside and that starts to damage you self-esteem.

Your friends will start catching on to these excuses and asking you about them,  asking what he is doing and that maybe just maybe he is not the great guy he is. However, you’ve spent so long making excuses; you almost have started to believe them yourself.

Then comes the defense stage. As soon as your good friends start saying bad things about that guy you love, you suddenly start to defend everything he does and almost alienate your friends from your life.

Remember girls, a friend will go through it all with you as long as you let them. A good friend won’t judge you, but try to give you advice. Their advice will be from the outside of the relationship and sometimes that’s exactly what you need to have a clearer view.

If you feel you need to make excuses for the man you love, it probably means his actions are not what you expect out of a relationship and therefore you should not be putting up with them.

Instead of ignoring your friends and family’s advice or even hiding your guy’s actions from these people, it’s time to listen and take action to change your relationship to be the kind of relationship you deserve!

So stop making excuses for him, accept the fact that your relationship is not exactly what you want it to be, and start making changes.

Trying to force your opinions on him will just push him further away from you and further into the arms of another woman. If you want to get the life-long love and commitment you desire more than anything with the man you’ve always dreamed about, it’s time to turn the tables around and to actively build the relationship you want for yourself!

On this page I teach you how to ensure your man develops a life-long emotional attachment for you that goes well beyond simple lust, how to get your dream man to commit to you and stay with you forever by simply understanding the basics of commitment and nurturing a relationship that lays a solid foundation for commitment and marriage!

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15 Responses to “How To Make Sure You Are More Than Friends With Benefits”
  1. Angela says:

    I had a very troubling relationship because it was a second time relationship and he had young children. We know each other for 6 years and he brought the kids to my home and we did activities with friends and went on vacations with the kids. It was meant to be and we were so happy. His ex rebelled and created problems and instead of him stepping up and marrying me, we looked for homes and he spread it along and looked towards me to make the changes. (It was to tell him that if he wants sex, to marry me. But ultimatums are tough esp when problems exist. I tried, and he reacted badly) I froze with fear and it was up to him, although I let him know what I wanted. He helped me fix up home and deal with bad times as well as care for me when I was sick in hospital. Why would I think that under pressure,instead of marrying me and move to new home together (dilemna to sell homes and buy a new one), he moved to his old home which was rented to care for his son as a single dad, and then invited me over…but he didn’t mind me being unsure and I tried to stop things for a while. Remember we were as a couple should be for years and it is difficult to reverse actions and feelings. By the way, his kids LOVE me and I believe I am still there because of it. But my partner’s behavior makes me upset especially with my parents being elderly. My mom has Alzheimer for 7 years now and my dad was just diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. I have it all on my shoulders, with grown daughters and a grandson now. I don’t care to continue living apart from him, even if it will be tough to make the change. I told him now that when he puts me on spot and I feel not ok, no progress can be made and I will visit him and he must remember that he picked being a single dad now (to appease ex) and there will be NO intimacy now either at my home or his until he learns that he takes blame for situation as well and not to blame me.I reminded him that I asked him to talk to his son before we took a major trip and I cannot say whether he did because the boy rebelled when we were overseas. He acted so lovingly and as a gentleman and we were on serious trips without solutions. Now he wanted to please me by taking me on trip to Greece and I told him that my work won’t give me ok for vacation without purpose…gave him excuse to let him know. I said that he must tell kids where we stand and not just go off on trip, because we have problems after. He said they were his kids, but I said that I get blamed and I won’t anymore for anything…he must take responsibility now. We fought and then next day, he told me that he agrees that it wasn’t a good idea as it was and I should work next week after all. I thanked him for understanding ME and for that I love him, and he said that he loves me too. I have been calling him, because after all he said he’d stand by me and I let him know in the conversation, and now he knows that it will be with purpose and nothing less, as well as I will stop sex until he is supportive as he should. He asked me yesterday when my next time off is…so maybe he will plan something. We didn’t talk yesterday, both exhausted with all, but I decided that if we were to continue to make changes I shouldn’t be afraid to keep “friends” and not act angry. I called and told him today about my work overhaul, one workplace closing and we get all the work next week, and it was good that we moved the date. I wanted him to feel good about making the change for me. As well as take me seriously. As well as let him know in email that I thought that a trip was great idea at this time for us and he meant very well, just that we need to do things right. And when I talk to him KINDLY now, it’s better and he is ok with me as well, so there is hope for better. It’s hard to be unsure of a love that is there, but there is alot of family pressure as well as divorced men-friends and a brother who’s wife left him after 30 years marriage (she was angry seeing what was done to me as well as enduring unhappy marriage) who feel that they can do as they wish and have a girlfriend on side, saying that the kids are theirs…he basically ruined my reputation by force after I helped him weekends and we were happy with the kids. He wanted to keep this, but I wanted it to grow and not on my head. (In order to have independence with kids…so I said that for him to enjoy his independence, no woman should be in his home intimately overnite. He cannot do as he wishes. He asked “who said” and I said ME.) So now we chat on phone and I will see what’s more…maybe a trip with meaning. He admits to needing me, but there is a price to pay, and it’s easier to keep woman far and act justified being alone, so he pushes as well as I am pushing back. But now being nice as well. When he moved to be with his son, he said it was just to help the boy and there’s one more year school, and he said that if it’s not me, he wants no other. I said same thing in argument, that I am not needing intimacy as much as I need HIM and that I won’t look elsewhere. It made him decide to be nice to me. I also spoke with his son 2 nights ago, seems he went to tell family of fight, and the boy was really nice to me on phone. So I am encouraged. 🙂

  2. Carolina says:

    I have this situation, I was a virgin before I met this man; i felt in love with him before being with him. He knew about my feeling and took advantage of me knowing that I wasn’t the one for him like he said after 4 months together but the funny thing is that I do feel that he is the one for me, due to the hurt he got in the past, he won’t open his heart to no one. he decides to end everything but I do feel that He is doing it because he is starting to have feelings for me and doesn’t want that to happen because of his principles & believes especially that it was an interracial relationship. I really want to be with this man but don’t know what to do to make him see beyond his principles.


  3. Deb says:

    Hi Elaine,

    Thank you for all the great advice. I read your book that you are recommending here Guide To Commitment several months ago and it is amazing! I am now happily engaged to the love of my life. This article only confirms that my man truly cares about me and that I have made the right choice of a partner. Thank you for your book. It gave me a solid knowledge of commitment and helped get the kind of relationship I want with my man.

  4. Ibrahim says:

    ineed awoman first to see what haben next

  5. Nancy says:

    Thanks to you, I have a boyfriend now and it’s because of YOUR tips. THANK YOU ELAINE.

  6. Doma says:

    Dear Elaine,

    Can you please clear something up for me as it is truly and seriously bothering me.?

    Do you believe that men and women can be friends and I mean “just friends” without one or both of them having an attraction for the other or wanting something from the other in the future??
    The guy im seeing(in his early 30’s) on and off for almost 4 years is friends with a young 19 year old. They met at their social club and she fell in love with him.He told her she was too young.But they could still be friends.They get on really well and tease and make eachother laugh even when im around.It kind of makes me feel insecure and upset.Why is she not hanging out with guys her age instead of with the guy im in love with?Only his close friends know about me and him. Its obvious that he has never told her about us.Im in my early 30’s too.Ive been trying to get him to have a relationship with me for almost 4 years.he doesnt want a relationship but says you never know what the future will bring.Isn’t it wrong for him to hang out with a 19 year old who is in love with him? Shouldnt he stick to people near his own age??Does he believe that they are just friends or is he just playing innocent and naive good little boy who believes that she is over him now.Is he keeping his cards open for one day in the future when she is a little older – so that is why he insists that they hang out and are just friends?He is a womans man and loves to make women laugh and tease them.He like their company.We started off as friends too until we ended up sleeping with eachother and it became more exclusive – but no relationship.This is why I believe that women and men cannnot be only friends – because it will turn into something else with time. By the way, when i asked him if she still had a crush on him he said no – she doesnt. I asked him if they are “friends” and he got annoyed and said”yeh, friends, do you have a problem with that!!?? – all annoyed… The deep honest truth Elaine, tell me can women and men be just friends? Do I have a right to feel the way i do? I remember when i first met him he said that he will never let go of people he cares about – just for the sake of being with someone(dating or in a relationship)because if they split up, he does not want to lose other people in his life. Fair enough but do I have the right to protest against what seems for now harmless and freindly? I know that he will not accept my protests if i told him – and only make things worse- even bring them closer together – because if you forbid something – you will only make someone want it more…… Do you see what I mean? i feel helpless and upset.Its even making me lose sleep. Please can you help with your opinion??? A million thanks.

    • admin says:

      Yes, a man and a woman can be ‘just friends’ as long as there is no mutual attraction or one-sided attraction. However, most cases, a man will not be ‘just friends’ with a woman unless there are some work ties, or family ties, etc. If they are flirting, this means they have attraction for each other. It doesn’t mean that they have to act on it, but I can see where it can bother you and trigger insecurities. Your issue is that you don’t feel secure in your relationship because like you said, this is not really a relationship but more so ‘friends with benefits’ situation.

      If you had a chance to check out this page Make a Man Commit, you know that often a man will date a woman (sometimes for months and even years) knowing that she is not the one for him and keep looking for the right one to come along.

  7. Angela says:

    Well this week was a tough one. I woke up next day after trying to resolve our conflict with me writing him an email from the soul and them keeping in touch with him as “friends” not to show anger or distance. The reason I got intimate with him was 2-fold, because I felt strong emotions towards him as well as needing him all the time and my difficult family situation took me in that direction. He gave me comfort, caring, love…and he was in the same situation as I was. So our relationship seemingly grew along with intimacy. It didn’t seem to be an issue. But for me internally, as pressures mounted and some demands of his became regular for his satisfaction while problems grew and solutions were not in the horizon, I felt both obligated and uncomfortable. I can say that I realized that as I continued in this way, he would hold me on side instead of doing things better. By stopping the cycle and demanding the respect that I deserved, the love that he felt for me at first would grow again and I would become more important as before. In some ways I allowed for the downward spiral to happen because I wanted him to take care of his son and feel what it was like to be a single dad, that it’s not an easy life and has little benefits and he may miss me and our relationship and goals with time. But by incorporating me into the picture as “it suited HIS situation”, it kept the former dreams while not presenting me with solution as well as keeping me still on side and dependent on his decisions. I was in a bad spot. Nothing would bring back what we shared. When I said no to intimacy in his home, he at first said “all would be ok now”, and then a few weeks later started to be close with kids not around. It seems ok at first to bring up the desire, but no solutions in that. If I said no to intimacy in his home and he came to me, it wasn’t better because he’d get what he needed and I was on side still ….so I didn’t want that to stay. In the end, I had to say what was in my heart and give up on the intimacy that was blocking all directions for a relationship. After all, it was at a time when I needed him MOST with elderly parents ill and my dad diagnosed with cancer and he said he’d stand by me. In my email, I said that the distance of his decision to be a single dad has put it’s toll on our relationship and although it was to benefit his son, we have lots of misunderstandings and I have a big hole in my heart and soul. I talked of our EMOTIONAL bond and needs, and how I don’t want to lose that. And how I hope he will understand and give me a closeness that I want. Especially after staying by HIM during a difficult year, and now I need him but in a better way and don’t want to break, and I said that email explains how I feel until we meet. He said he’d be there for me when I need him. Anyhow I kept contact with him on phone and it was GOOD solution for him to tell me what to do about vacation-to work and wait for vacation with purpose, and I am glad that I took a stand and showed him that my work and my status is important and not to be ignored. He called me yesterday and we chatted for a few minutes and he said he’d know if he had the kids or was going out and HE”D LET ME KNOW, to which he sent me SMS later, and I responded to have fun and regards from us all. In the SMS he said he’d see me today. I went to bed happy and respected by him. Anyhow, in 2 weeks we have a work pool party by my work and he comes with his girl and he asked me twice if my daughter with the baby will show up, an important sign from him to fix harm done by him over the years..and showing a desire to make things more stable with us. I had to do confrontation before…and now he knows that “anything we do together must have a purpose for the better”. I am really happy and calm now. After all, I didn’t scare him off with the confrontation! I kept communication and friendship to not develop anger and distance afterwards, and during time took better care of myself. But now for sure, he will take better care for me in any way he decides now. My needs won’t be ignored or taken forgranted, and we have a common desire not to stay in situation as it is, and his girl will enjoy the party because there will be young moms with little kids to play with and happiness together. A nice feeling. I don’t need to make ultimatums, only as to be loved as I need!

  8. Angela says:

    I want to add that game-playing doesn’t work. If I keep distance after confrontation, so he would feel regret and think things through…it suits single people to do this, but people like us with severe obligations and in need of one another EMOTIONALLY need to keep up minimal contact to keep friendship and caring and sincerity and love at basic level. He will decide what he needs with that change in mind, as well as realizing what I said …that as a single dad, he cannot do as he wishes and he messes up lives for everyone in picture. And it’s really funny, I always felt he was influenced by his brother about 3 years ago…whose wife left him after 30 years marriage and she was upset about control issues. You see,my intimacy wasn’t a negative factor until then and my partner became very unsure of himself and what we shared, and I felt at time influenced negatively. Seeing me as a natural woman with real coonviction to make a better life with him, and he made ALL the moves before…his brother remains alone, and I said that the sister-in-law deserved respect after my partner made jokes like his brother about her (stupidly wanted to “support” his brother) I said that she was a very nice woman and I’m sorry for the breakup and respect should be in order. Well, yesterday, she asked to be friends with me on facebook, as well as my daughter. We were very close with kids and all and she was the one who encouraged my partner NOT to be unsure, but there were other divorced men and her husband encouraging doubt that I wasn’t good enough because we were intimate. She always said that I was a nice woman and my partner, if he cannot see the truth, seems to like a terrible ex like he had. She tried to help me before she left the marriage and told me to stop the intimacy, and I did try, but when I needed help with my home…I was relying on him and he was very good at solutions as well as having me become dependent on his help, and I wish I were strong then to keep intimacy out. Again. Well, my partner knows that I liked that woman and he realizes from me that there are 2 sides in a relationship and if one wants to “control” another for his own pride, and not realize that SHE is the pride that he needs for complete happiness, then he is better off on his own, as well as she is…until loneliness is felt and respect returned. I tried even to talk to the brother and say that he should contact her, and he said that if she doesn’t want it, he cannot force issue. But it is up to a man to change behavior in FAVOR of a woman to gain back the love of the woman…and that was what I pointed out to my partner now. He said he’d come, and if I don’t hear from him…I have a great day in store…cooking…good movies and knitting and being HAPPY until he calls. He will learn to do as he says. I won’t chase at this point, after getting issues dealt with finally. And he was respectful now. It’s up to him. 🙂

  9. Paul says:

    this post is very usefull thx!

  10. Angela says:

    Hi Paul. I don’t know what point I made that was very useful. Just that expressing my feelings made me connect also with what was happening. I think that a relationship is 2-sided and both people have to gain as well as lose. I believe we are together as real love partners and negative influence can lessen what was meant to grow. But if we take steps to push it back to basic level of feelings, then intimacy is part of the package and not pastime and it is felt as a real need with that particular person. For nearly 2 weeks with ups and downs and exhaustion on both sides, I took my time and stayed away while talking on phone evenings with my partner. And he visited me on Saturday for a few hours and hugged me. He came over last night, and couldn’t take it anymore and couldn’t stop hugging me and said how much he needs me. I let go as well, since it was needed. Anyhow, he wants to see me together with the kids at night and we didn’t talk more of what will be…but I am sure that he cannot go without me as well. I think that it helped him as well to hear from me that I want him with all of his package and a purpose, and not coast along…so now he can decide when to make moves and how. I think he cares for me and my family as I do for his. I visited his sister-in-law and we hugged and chatted a lot. She said that she doesn’t regret for a second leaving and it’s tough financially and she works overtime, but there is no more emotional abuse. I asked her if it happened right after the marriage and she said just before. So I asked her why did she marry him and she said it was because she believed if he was first, she should stay with him as well as wanting to leave home. She said only good thing is her kids. She didn’t get close to him because of the abuse. He’d call her stupid and a nothing over and over again while they watch a show on tv…”you couldn’t understand that, now could you? Being so dumb, of course not”…on and on. Poor woman. She asked me specifically if my partner was same as his brother, abusive. I said that only a few times he did act in this way, that he knew all more than me or others, but he knows that I am educated and when I told him off, he stopped. He knew not to abuse his position. She asked me if I can love him enough to see myself living with him, and I said Yes. That we feel good with each other. He called when I was there and I went to other room, and then came back smiling. He asked “where are you? Never can find you!” and talked about what was new with his life, and asked how I am coping. He needed to SHARE. He also did what was needed with the ex, but wanted to SHARE with me news of his son. Also Malka said that I should let him worry about how to handle the kids and not be sensitive over that, because it they go nuts at school, it’s because they are bored in school and not for attention because their dad has a girlfriend. And I said that I know that they love me, just want to avoid jealousy and future conflict. She said not to worry of vacation with him, if he wants. But I told her that I want it with direction, and she understood, and I said that I want messes in past to really enjoy vacation and with good intention really there now. She said that if I am happy with him and same in return, that it’s great. I think that when men have all the picture, at times they feel a need to control by making the woman feel insecure (friends with benefits) and it’s good to have them see that they can lose as well a connection. All that I can say is that the few words I said lately helped us both as well as not see each other as the reason for our exhaustion and troubles, but as a way to share and comfort each other and grow with love as we go through life struggles together. And not stop the flow because it might take us to a better place. Before I didn’t stop the flow, now I have better control as to WHEN to do things and HOW and to be mindful of this to enhance what I have instead of ruin it. There is a time and place! And in last post I stated that it’s up to a man to change his behavior in favor of a woman to keep the love, and I see that he spent time alone with his kids and it’s just not the same without me there…for him to ask me to come. I think that this weekend will be interesting.

  11. farah says:

    it was very interesting to read.
    I want to quote your post in my blog. It can?
    And you et an account on Twitter?

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