I Want To Be Married

June 7, 2012 by  
Filed under Commitment Issues

Do you have a boyfriend who doesn’t want to get married or is dragging his feet to the altar? If you are thinking to yourself I want to get engaged and be married within a year and he doesn’t seem to want to pop the question, read this article! i want to be married but he doesn't

Here is an email from one of my subscribers:

“Hi Elaine,”

“I have been subscribing to your email newsletter for a little over a year. I have purchased a couple of your books, one about How To Find a Husband and one on How to Make Him Fall In Love.

I loved both your books and used the techniques for getting a boyfriend and making him fall in love, and they really work!

After reading your books and using the advice given I found a wonderful man who I really love.

He’s been married before, and so have I. We are in a committed relationship, but the only problem is that he doesn’t want to get married right now.

When we first started dating he told me I was the one, and to this day he tells me he feels the same way, and he can’t think of any other woman ever. He tells me he could never be with anyone else, and that the way he feels about me is different from all his previous relationships.

The only problem is that I live in my condo in the city, I work in the city, and my kids go to school here. He lives in the country on a big ranch. He has horses and other farm animals, and he wants to stay there.

We visit each other every week, and have been for several months. Distance has always been a concern for us both, but we have figured out how to make it work.

When we started talking about where we go from here he told me that the way he sees his life in the future is to have a wife who lives with him on his ranch. He wants to retire there after the kids leave the house.

I, on the other hand, have a career in the city, and would have to give it up if I ever moved in with him. He doesn’t want to live in the city. He says he needs space and wants to have his animals and the barn.

We love each other, but even though he says he wants to marry me one day, he is not giving me any indication of the timeline. I want to be married, and I know he is the one. And he says that until we work out our issues with the distance he doesn’t want to be married. He also says that if we get married he doesn’t see us living in separate homes, although I have friends who are married to each other but live in two separate homes (long-distance) and they seem to be doing just fine.

Due to our disagreements as to where we both want to live, we have gone through arguments and even breakups, but we’ve always got back together, because we just seem to be drawn to each other so much that no matter what we can’t end it.

It has been really draining, and I am ready to give up. I want an engagement ring to see his commitment, and to at least know that he is committed to trying to work this out. He however says that he isn’t ready to buy me a ring, and that we need to solve our issues first. He says that it’s not the lack of commitment, and that he’s been committed to me ever since we first met, but that he is not sure if we have long term compatibility, and he doesn’t want this to end in divorce. We also have very different life styles. I like going to parties through my work, as I am employed in the management of a big corporation. I have lots of friends in the city and a very active social life. He is more of an isolator, and has a very small group of very close friends. I know that if I were to move to the country with him I would have to give up everything I have here – my job/career, my friends, my social life. I don’t want to sacrifice everything I have for the relationship. Why can’t I have it all?

I am lost and I don’t know what to do. It seems that we keep going in a circle, and nothing ever gets resolved.

If I and he were engaged I think it would give us both a strong incentive to work through our issues.”

“Please, help me!”

“Candice”

Here is my response:

Thank you, Candice for your e-mail.

What I am sensing from your letter is that you think that if you and your boyfriend were to get engaged, you would be in a better position to change him. But the truth is that you won’t.

You’ve made one big mistake that I always warn women about – you fell in love with your boyfriend’s potential.

I notice that you said when you first started dating, distance was a concern but you made it work. However, later in your email you say that you didn’t. I am guessing that what you meant was that you solved the distance issue as far as dating goes, but as far as getting engaged and married, the distance is still a major obstacle.

Truth is that he wants a certain lifestyle and isn’t going to change what he wants in life for himself. You want a different lifestyle, and as far as I can see, you two don’t fit into each other’s lifestyles and are not compatible.

You don’t lack commitment in your relationship. What you lack is compatibility. And I sense that you know what my answer is going to be, but that you are hoping for a different answer.

I am not going to tell you that you can convince your boyfriend to change and to move in with you. It seems like he is happy where he is at.

It also sounds like you aren’t the right woman for him, and that the right woman for him would be someone who wants the same fundamental things in life.

He probably fell in love with your potential, just like you fell in love with his. And here is your dilemma, because neither one of you is going to fulfill the expectations of each other.

I would suggest that you have a conversation about your differences, but you have had conversations about it already, and you know each other’s position.

I think that you should end this relationship and that each of you should move on to find someone more compatible.

I don’t think you are the type who would be happy living on a horse ranch. I have a client who is suffering living with a husband and three kids up in the mountains away from everything. Before they got married he told he it would just be two years and then they would move someplace else. It’s been years and they are still at the same home. She is miserable there and wants to get out of that place but now they have three kids together.

I am just saying that if your boyfriend’s lifestyle is not what you can live with, think long and hard before leaving everything behind to move in with him. And I don’t think that even if he decided to move into the city with you he would be happy in the long run.

I’d like to hear from my other subscribers!

Do you have a story to share! Please write in the comment section below!

Do you have a boyfriend who is dragging his feet and don’t want to marry you?

What are your issues in your relationship?

Please, share!


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Comments

21 Responses to “I Want To Be Married”
  1. cotizar says:

    I am in a similar situation. I and my boyfriend have been together for over two years. I want to get married but he tells me that he is not ready. He wants to graduate from college first and have a job. Should I dump him and find someone else? I really want to get married and I don’t want to wait another two years.

    • ELIAN says:

      His request is not unreasonable. He want to be in a position to get a job and take care of you and a family. However, if you cannot wait, he’s not the right person for you nor are you the right person for him.

  2. Lisa says:

    I am also in a similar but somewhat different position. He has always (going on 6 years) said he loves me, but starting about 10 months ago started saying he doesnt want to get married again. I understand people at different times have this feeling. When we first started dating he was newly divorced and asked me to marry him often, I wasnt ready. Now that I am ready, he says he isnt. However, he now says he always told me he didnt want to get married again. This part isnt true, my daughter and son live with me and have said as much. I moved to be closer to him. Now, I am thinking of moving back even though I very much love him.

    Thoughts???

    • admin says:

      Lisa,

      What are your relationship dynamics?

      • Lisa says:

        We were best friends for years before dating. My husband died, his wife cheated. He asked me to go out. I refused for 1 year then finally said yes. I moved closer (out of state) but not in his primary house. He owns rental property. He is bipolar so things were rocky at times but always wonderful when he wasnt in depression phase. I have my own illness so I am sure I have rocky periods too. He is younger by 6 years. He still thinks about having kids I told him we could through a surrogate. 10 months ago he helped a friend by letting him move in temporarily because of a divorce. Since then things have been rough. He spends more time with the friend playing bachelor boys. I have let this pass for the most part. Now he says he has to sell the home we own together, the last rental property (that I live in). He says he doesnt want me to move home and hes sorry but cant continue to pay the taxes. He is paying back a large loan (from me) by paying the mortgage. He has asked me to move and we can sell, thus I am thinking of moving home.

        • admin says:

          Lisa,

          It sounds complicated. Tell me if I got it right… He borrowed money from you to buy the house you live in and you pay him rent to live in it?

          Whatever the case is, your decision should be your own… Do you want to move away or stay in the same area? It sounds like he is trying to terminate any business he has with you so that it would be easier to end the relationship.

          If that’s the case, I would not try to hold onto him. If you want to work things out you need to finish off your unfinished business with him, take time apart, and then work on getting him back again if that’s what you want still. But you cannot try to fix the relationship while he is trying to terminate all ties he has with you, it’s just not how it’s done.

          I hope this helps.

          • Lisa says:

            You got the complicated right : ) As for the rest he had the house before we were together as a couple. When he started having some financial difficulties I offered to pay taxes and late payments. He agreed and put my name on the title-not mortgage. He now states he cant pay the taxes again and I dont have the money. He wants me to move out,so he can sell the house and not be foreclosed on. He says he will help as much as he can with money for deposit, possibly a room in his home to live in (if his friend moves out), etc. I dont pay rent or the mortgage, he was paying the mortgage and starting to pay me back.

            The decision is mine, that I know was just trying to get other peoples thoughts about the situation.

            I guess I dont see him trying to terminate our relationship when he says he wants me to stay, even though were going through tough times. I guess the toughest part is making the decision myself, but thanks.

            • admin says:

              Lisa,

              IMO it is not a good sign that he’s never offered you to move in with him (his primary residence), while he had no qualms about letting his friend stay with him, and yet in order to give you an incentive to move out of the other house he is now offering *possibly* a room in his house (which he’s never offered before, from what you’ve said) and that it is contingent on his friend moving out… And why a room? Why not just move in with him? That just doesn’t add up… Sounds like he is looking for a “clean break up”, meaning no ties left and no pots and pans to divide… You deserve better… My opinion for what it’s worth…

              • Lisa says:

                I guess its hard to put everything in a post. He not only offered in the past for me to move in with him at one point, I did live in his house due to illness…he took care of me. He also moved me again into his house without asking first, which is when some of our problems started. I am very VERY old fashioned, I want marriage, I dont want to shack up. I’m sure hed gladly let me sleep with him. I asked about the room because I didnt know where I would go on such short notice, with very little money.

                Thank you again for your time and input.

  3. Helen says:

    I too am in a similar situation – I have been with my boyfriend now for over 2 years. We both said from the outset we want children together. He has now moved to a different country and naturally wants me to follow him and give everything up to be with him. He says it is completely my decision however I feel I need commitment. He disagrees. Any advice?

    • admin says:

      Helen,

      When you say you want commitment, are you talking about marriage? Because you might already have commitment, just not the ring. Have you talked to him about it?

  4. Lisa says:

    My response disappeared? Did I break a rule?

  5. maria says:

    This topic is very interesting.
    I have been in a relationship with my neighbor for 2 years. He is 3 years younger and we were both single( i am 32 he is 29), no marriage or kids for either of us. We didnt have any special friendship before,he wasn’t even “my type” ,the whole thing started suddenly I would say. I was a good friend with his parents mostly, as for him, he was dating another girl so it had never crossed my mind that something could happen between us. But it did. It was at a very bad period in my life, my mum was sick and the doctors had recently informed us that she was in terminal stage. So I think that I just needed a shoulder when my neighbor “noticed me”. To be honest, he was still in his relationship. But I never considered that we would continue, so I didn’t mind. I was very wrong though. For the 1st year he was dating both of us, and I knew it from the beginning. We had too many break-ups, but every time we were ending back together, because we had a strong chemistry. Anyway, he broke up with her, but after that things went really bad in my personal life, my mother was very sick and she passed away.In these days we had many fights and break-ups with my bf, because he also faced a health problem and he felt that I was away. We are not compatible characters but we are so much in love with each other and we can’t break up for good. Please consider how tough this can be for neighbors…Anyway now I feel that things have been a little better and we both show more understanding and effort. We are both young and I asked him if he would like to make a family with me. I see that he doesn’t reject the idea, he wants to be with me but he always says ” I am not ready”….What does it take for a guy to be ready? We both have a steady work and a house I don’t think it’s for financial reasons that he says that. ..
    All thoughts are welcome!

  6. Diana says:

    No more need to worry for a broken relationship
    This mentor can help you and he will help you.
    He will guide you through step by step and calm you down while you are in an emotional turnoil he will comfort you and help you get back with your spouse
    Always believe and always have faith and stay calm, with this mentor you will get your breakthrough and the love everyone deserves. He wants to reunite you with your loved one and will guide you through the proces of becoming the woman or man again you were when your spouse fell in love with.
    I have my angel back in my arms, my dream came true and it didn’t take long; just a shift in my attitute, calmness, believe and faith and some luck. Almost like magic .. This mentor is true, his spells are real, if your love is real too
    Always keep the faith, always believe. What you think you’ll become.
    If you believe, if you have faith, then contact him like I did and he shall help you to bring back your love, like he did with me. My angel is back home and that he wants for you too.
    Keep the faith!

  7. Daline says:

    thanks for taking a time to help people with so great information

  8. Elisah says:

    i found ur site looking for relationship advice on google. here is my situation. my boyfriend left me because he didn’t want to marry me. he says he is not ready to get married. i want to get married, but i don’t know what to tell him. he says he will know when he is ready but right now he doesn’t want to get married, and if i need to be married i should find someone else. now he doesnt want to talk to me but i know he loves me

  9. Catamina says:

    i just want to say i like it and thanks

  10. Aga says:

    I was looking for information on what to do when I want to get married and my boyfriend doesn’t. We have been together for seven months. In the beginning of our relationship he told me he wanted to find a wife and have children. This is what I want also. But now he says that he doesn’t know what he wants. Was it something I did or did he just play me?

  11. Edite says:

    I am 35 y.o. woman who has never been married and never had a real boyfriend. I want to know how I can find the man of my dreams. Do you have any tips on how to meet and attract guys for women in their mid-thirties? I want to find someone who wants to get married and have children.

  12. Lorie says:

    My boyfriend and I started dating when we were 16 years old we dated on and off for several years but we were to young to make a commitment. We both married other people and raised families. We reunited over 3 years ago when we were both separated from our spouses, he had been separated from his wife for over 8 years, I had only been separated for about 6 months but was in the process of divorce. His divorce was finalized this February. We have lived together for over 2 years now and have a great relationship, we love each other very much and have a great time together, we are best friends. I am ready to get married, I want that commitment from him to build a stong and loving life together. We have talked about marriage, he has asked me what date I want to get married, and even talked to my son about us getting married. However he says he is not ready yet that he just got divorced and if it gets brought up even by someone else he get angry and starts yelling about how he is not ready yet. I am very confused at this point about his reactions, one minute he is talking like he’s going to propose and the next he’s yelling at me that he’s tired of it being brought up. I am heartbroken because I don’t know if he really wants to get married, he says he does someday but I don’t understand why he acts like this about it. I’m not sure if I should move out and get on with my life, and I don’t know if I could live without him, or just hang on to the hope that he will come around soon.

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