Rebound Relationships

September 20, 2011 by  
Filed under Get Him Back

This article is in response to one of my subscribers who asked me how to get back the person he fell in love with who recently went back to her ex boyfriend breaking his heart in the process.

You can read his email and questions he asks here.

And here is my response to Ken:

“Dear Ken,

I am afraid to disappoint you, but asking how to get back the person you fell in love with in your specific situation is like asking how to get back something you’ve never had.

Let me explain;

The relationship you had with this woman was a rebound relationship.

You said in your email that when you first met she was fresh out of a relationship with her ex boyfriend.

When people jump into a new relationship days after their previous relationship ends, the only reason they do so is to fill the hole created by the breakup temporarily.

A person is not in any way ready and healthy enough to start a new relationship and to actually offer a good relationship to someone when they have not healed from the breakup.

There are many things to deal with emotionally and those who do not take the time in between relationships do so because they are not strong enough to deal with their issues on their own.

Another reason we choose a very specific person to have a rebound relationship with is because the rebound partner is typically the opposite of the ex in ways we did not like about the ex.

In your situation the woman you dated had a partner who was emotionally abusive as follows from your email. After the breakup with him she choose you because you sound like you are treating her completely differently – with a lot or respect and adoration.

She thought that was what she wanted – a partner who has what her ex didn’t. But after a couple of months she realized that she was fooling herself into thinking that she could replace one person with another, deducting the qualities she didn’t like and replacing the partner who had negative qualities with one who didn’t have them.

Love isn’t that easy. Love is complex. It’s not a puzzle in which you can take one piece out and replace it with another, and live happily ever after.

The reason she keeps going back to her ex is that he must have some redeeming qualities and not everything about him is bad.

I know you’ve mentioned the bad things – and I am sure he has those bad qualities. But along with his bad qualities, he must have some good ones. And those are the ones that make her go back to him.

You may or may not know what those good qualities are, and perhaps they are more important to this woman than the good qualities that YOU have.

The bottom line is, you have gotten yourself involved with a person on the rebound. And as I say in my book Get Him Back, rebound relationships almost never last.

As far as your question, should you stick around and wait for her to decide what she wants to do, my opinion is that whatever she decides to do about her relationship with the ex, you have no bearing on her final decision, and there isn’t anything YOU can do to influence her decision in regard with her ex.

If and when she decides to end that relationship she will need to heal first and become ready for a new relationship that has no encumbrance of the past.

You deserve a relationship in which the person you are with chooses you because they appreciate YOU, not because you are the opposite of their ex!

There is a fair chance if you weren’t the opposite of her ex if ways she didn’t like about him, she may not have chosen you for this rebound relationship in the first place, so I suggest that you move on with your life and not allow her to use you for her own selfish emotional needs”.

Now, a question for you, my subscribers – Have YOU had any experience with rebound relationships? – Please share your story in the comment section below!

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12 Responses to “Rebound Relationships”
  1. Nina says:

    I had the brilliant idea to move to Miami with my then boyfriend. Once we arrived, everything was chaos and he was out partying every night. I was miserable so I left even though I loved him. I found out as soon as I left , he moved in with another girl and I was heartbroken, yet I knew it wouldn’t last because it was a big REBOUND. Sure enough, they broke up, we got back together and got married. Sadly, we did not live happily ever after. He passed away 9 yrs ago, but I am grateful for every day we had together and all the work it took to get there.

  2. Elly says:

    I think Thise man has a double standart. perhaps he sicretly tell her he Loves her ,so infront in front of other people he reject her ,just to keep the secret. If he Loves her he should stop with his double standart ,and to say sorry

  3. mulingatina says:


  4. Germaine says:

    Last year I met a very nice guy. Initially, I was not overly attracted to him as he was average looking and just slightly taller than me. He spent all of his time with me and did countless things for me and my parents who live with me. Over time, I grew to like him as he was dependable and honest. He took me to meet with family, locally and out of state, and he introduced me to all of his friends. However, I talked bad to him, took out my frustrations on him, and I failed to show my appreciation for all the kind things he did. After dating for five months he stopped calling me and he did not answer my calls for several months. Recently, he started taking to me but after five weeks he stopped calling again. It was not until he was gone that I realized he was the best man I ever had. Is there any hope of getting him back.

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