If your boyfriend is reluctant to marriage, there could be multiple reasons why he won’t marry you, including the ones that you could change. But sometimes there is really nothing wrong with you personally, but he still won’t marry you. When it comes to marriage and the reason he doesn’t want to marry you, men and women think the same. The easiest way for you to figure out why he won’t marry you is to put yourself in his shoes and ask yourself, would I want to marry me if I were in his shoes? You may just come up with the answer to your own question.
But if you want to know why I didn’t marry my wonderful boyfriend, read this article and ask yourself, perhaps this is the reason or at least one of the reasons your boyfriend doesn’t want to marry you.
One of the fears men carry about marriage and commitment is DIVORCE. Yes, men fear divorce worse than the fire. Divorce will, just like a forest fire take away your house, your car, and your savings account, along with your IRA, stocks, bonds and your social security.
If you have children, it will most likely take them away as well, or at least hamper a man’s time with them and easy access to them.
Why in the world would a man want to surrender everything he’s worked for and saved in his life. Parting with your life savings, your house and nice cars is certainly not on everybody’s to-do list.
Being a debt-free with no outstanding liabilities and no mortgage to pay is a breeze especially when you are financially secure. Marrying someone who has more debt than they make automatically puts you in the position where you might and certainly will end up throwing your own good money after somebody else’s before marriage incurred debt. That’s just that!
If you are broke, with bad credit, lots of liabilities and horrible spending habits; if you spend more than you make and ‘rob Peter to pay Paul’, and your boyfriend is making good money and has a savings account, ask yourself, why is the world would he marry me? It is especially true if he is already getting the ‘free milk’, you are living together as a husband and wife, you do his laundry, cook for him and sleep with him. What is he missing out?
But if you don’t think that this situation is applicable to you; if you have your life in order and your act together, consider reading about Commitment!
Find out how to make a man commit to marriage, read == > Make Him Commit!
Commitment phobic men are masters at deceptively keeping you hooked on them.
Just about every woman has dated at least one commitment phobic man in her life. They are the ones who keep you waiting for the day they’ll finally agree to live with you or marry you or commit exclusively to you. But they never do. When you meet them they are hard to resist because they compliment you and appeal to your vanity. And they lie. They lie about being in love with you, they lie about wanting to date you long term, they lie about not wanting just a sexual fling. And they don’t care.
Here are examples of Commitment Phobic Male Behavior:
You date for one week and he tells you he loves you, the next week you never hear from him again
You date for a month and he tells you he only wants to date you, then you find out a friend saw him flirting at a party with someone else…the night he was too tired to go out with you
You live with him for 8 years and he still won’t marry you
He still doesn’t call you his girlfriend and sees his mom more than he sees you, after one year of dating
Commitment phobic men are men who cannot commit to you with the emotional intimacy of marriage or living together because they are emotionally attached to someone or something else that makes emotional intimacy with you impossible.
I know you’re thinking right now, “But how can I avoid these men when I don’t know if a guy is commitment phobic until after we’ve dated for weeks or months?
Actually, it’s easy to spot a commitment phobic man when you first meet him, just by talking to him for a short period of time, before you even date him. You just need to know what behavior traits to look for. You must focus on certain signs a guy gives you that are indications of commitment phobic problems. These “red flags” are glaringly apparent when you know what they are. But even if you know what they are, you must summon the inner strength to ignore a commitment phobic man’s charismatic charm, the appeal of his compliments, and your codependent desire to care for him.
Don’t even give a guy like this a chance by dating him even once, if it’s possible. Once you date him, he’ll trap you with his bag of deceptive tricks, and manipulate you into feeling a comfortable false sense of emotional intimacy by telling you “You’re the woman I’ve always dreamed of finding”.
It’s important to know the ploys and manipulative behavior of these men. They have the ability to make a woman feel a “codependent” need to take care of them by appealing to her need to feel special by taking care of others. They paint themselves as helpless victims of past love relationships, past failed jobs, and parents who abused them; and this makes a woman feel vulnerable to wanting to “fix” their lives and be the one to finally make them happy.
If you were the one in your family tending to the emotional needs of your parents or siblings, you will be easily lured into the world of a commitment phobic man. I highly suggest you read books on codependency by Melodie Beatty and learn what codependency is. It’s important to know if you are susceptible to the charm of commitment phobic men due to your codependent behavioral upbringing.
Commitment phobic men hide behind a persona of charm and adulation towards women that completely camouflages how they truly feel inside. Behind the charming façade of a commitment phobic man’s outer persona, is a man who wants to control, deceive and abuse women. They are unhappy with their lives and often blame a woman in their past for ruining it. Of course, this blame started with their mother, and has now transferred onto another woman in their life. But usually they don’t realize the first seed of hatred towards women, and desperate neediness of them, started with their mother.
These men don’t trust women, like women, respect women or admire women – they hate them. Many of these men are victims of verbal and sexual abuse as children. They have mothers who made their lives miserable, and now they will let out their anger and resentment on you.
When you first meet a commitment phobic man, he will have certain behavior traits that creep into his facade of adulation towards you. It’s important to see these traits as red flags that signal how potentially disastrous dating a man like this can be. These initial behavior traits may seem innocent enough, but they are telltale signs of bigger problems to come. I call them 1st Stage Behavior Traits because this is the behavior you can detect when first meeting or dating a commitment phobic.
1st Stage Behavior Traits of Commitment Phobic Men:
Behavior Trait #1: He will single out insecure women who need attention and compliments to feel good about their life. Then he will say something to a woman that is slightly inappropriate about how sexually alluring she looks. This helps them find the woman who will put up with their problems because her self worth is tied up in someone else’s opinion of her. This is the kind of woman they can control. The woman who doesn’t walk away in disgust is their next victim.
Behavior Trait #2 He will keep the truth about his past life, his finances, his past relationships, his relationship with his mother, and how he truly feels about commitment from you. The real him will be well hidden from your outer view. Most commitment phobic men have deep feelings of shame about themselves and their life and they will hide that shame by doing things to cover up the truth about their life.
One commitment phobic guy I dated didn’t have a decent car, so he used his mother’s car to impress me, but never told me he was using her car until a month of dating him. Another guy I dated took me out to an expensive restaurant on a first blind date and constantly tipped the waiters with large bills. Then I realized on the 2nd date he really couldn’t afford to be so extravagant when I saw his “down and out” apartment lifestyle. He had to give me a false impression about having lots of money, as if that one night would cloud my ability to see his dismal apartment.
There is nothing wrong with a guy wanting to impress you on a date by taking you to a nice restaurant or driving his parent’s car. But there is something wrong with a guy deliberately presenting himself as someone he isn’t just to keep you from knowing the real him. If he has to keep facts about his life from you, he isn’t honest, regardless of the reason he’s doing it. Unfortunately many women who first date commitment phobic men catch a deception, and then they make excuses for why he did it. They don’t realize that once you accept any deception, you will be dealing with bigger lies and secrets to come.
Behavior trait #3: You can never have a conversation with him about what his relationship goals are. He’ll act uncomfortable, and sometimes visibly annoyed. If you sense he isn’t open to a future that includes the kind of commitment you are looking for from a man, don’t consider dating him. Men who won’t commit in relationships will show you by their facial expression and behavior, when you bring up the subject of commitment that it’s one subject they don’t care to discuss. You must realize he has commitment issues when he freezes up when you talk about what you are looking for in a long term relationship. And if he tells you he never wants to get married, he’s doing you a big favor. Believe him and don’t think you can change him, regardless of how much he tells you “you’re the woman of his dreams”. Don’t even consider being the one who’ll be that loving wife he never found. Remember this: with commitment phobic men, it’s not only what they say that matters; it’s their attitude about certain subjects and what you sense they are keeping from you. It’s that unsettling feeling in your gut that this guy isn’t being totally honest with you.
If you do continue to date a guy like this, you’ve accepted behavior that already sets the tone for how he’ll continue to treat you, which will be all about what matters to him. Many women feel it isn’t their right to talk about their relationship needs when they first meet a guy. They feel they will scare the guy away because he’ll immediately think they want to marry him. Wrong! This is the time you must talk about what you want in life. If you don’t tell a guy you want to get married and have kids one day, you will give up your right to expect to get it down the road as far as he’s concerned. Commitment phobic men don’t waste their time with women who declare confidently that they want to get married and have kids. It’s the surest way to watch them disappear.
Behavior trait#4: Another surefire sign that a guy is a commitment phobic is when he will never do anything on time and will always change the time and day of your date or be late for your date. He will also never agree with your suggestion about the date. If you make a decision about the movie you want to see or the restaurant you want to go to, he will want to try a different one. If you accept this behavior, he will continue to act controlling with you, by never focusing on pleasing YOU in the relationship. Of course, you may not notice these first signs when he keeps telling you how beautiful you are and how he can’t wait to make love to you. You won’t be annoyed that he’s always late when he flatters you all the time, right? He is setting up control in the relationship; one that gives him the right to dictate to you what the terms of the relationship will be. And those terms will not include committing to you.
Behavior trait #5: He will make you feel like the most beautiful woman on the planet. He will shower you with his desire for you and give you compliments to an extreme. He will tell you that you are the only woman who understands him, makes him feel such intense attraction, and that he knows he will fall in love with you because you are the woman of his dreams (if he isn’t in love with you already). This is all to distract you from getting to know the real person behind those compliments, seeing all those deceptions and false pretenses.
Behavior trait #6: He will have a dependent personality which means he will need you to take care of him and he will only appreciate you when you do things for him. He will paint himself as a victim of life with bad luck and bad, cruel women. “Thank god he’s finally found you” will be his motto. That is, until he gets bored with you and moves on to someone else. And even if he doesn’t, he’ll never commit to you or fulfill you emotionally. He will lump you in the pile of all those other cruel women who never understand him or care about him. And all you will feel when he moves on is how much you were used and unappreciated.
It’s easy to spot a commitment phobic man when you notice these behavior traits. Usually the first behavior trait is hard to detect until you’ve dated him for awhile and realize the real truth about his life and his past. But the other behavior traits show up immediately: his constant barrage of compliments and making you feel like you are the woman of his dreams; his first comment to you being inappropriate about your physical appearance (or inappropriate touching); his victim mentality about past relationships; his reluctant, almost angry attitude about talking about commitment in a relationship, his constant control of how you both spend your time together by always being late and wanting to change plans and never letting you decide what to do on a date.
These behavior traits may seem harmless and insignificant, but they are red flag signs of serious trouble to come.
See the signs, and when you do, close the door on his opportunity to date you. You deserve a man who offers you so much more.
Article Source: [http://EzineArticles.com/?The-Ultimate-Guide-to-Commitment-Phobic-Men&id=2708064] The Ultimate Guide to Commitment Phobic Men
When a woman decides to commit to a man, she gives not just her heart, but her soul and whole being as well. She surrenders her loyalty and faithfulness. She makes his needs a priority. She makes it a point to take care of him, help him with his plans and supports his goals. She encourages him when he hit rock bottom and inspires him to be on his best element. A man who is blessed with a woman’s love and commitment is truly an anointed man.
It’s just right that when a woman decides to love and commit herself, she must choose a man worthy of her love and commitment. This is only possible when she can set her standards right. And the right standards that every woman should have is find a man who can be equally loyal and faithful to her, a man who can love her for who she is, a man who is willing to provide and protect, a man who can be proud of her and let the whole world know that she is his woman.
And to make sure to that these standards are met, she should stop, look and listen before deciding to commit herself in the relationship. Not to rush things and test the waters first before deciding to dive deep. This is one secret in having a blissful and meaningful relationship.
Below are some of the scenarios you can create and questions to ponder upon to figure out just want kind of man your potential mate is, and whether he’s good enough for your unconditional love and commitment.
• How does he react when you have a problem?
For instance, your car broke down. Your stress and exhaustion are starting to show up in your face and your voice… if he asks you, “What’s wrong?” that’s a good start. It shows that he has been paying attention to know when you’re not your normal self. But when you answer him, “My car broke down and I don’t have the budget to get it fix right now so I’m just a bit worried how I’m going to get to work tomorrow,” and he answers, “Okay, I’m sure you can figure something out,” you can scratch him off. He is definitely not worthy of your love and commitment.
Be clear that you are not asking him for money to fix your car. You’re trying to see if he’s going to look deeper and find out if there’s anything he can do to help, whether to give you some advice on how to get the car fixed, or fix it himself. Did he offer to drive you to work while your car is in the shop? Or give you the number of a guy who can fix your car?
A real man gets out of his way to help the woman he cares about. If you have a problem and your man does nothing about it- he doesn’t try to make it better. He is not a good candidate for your love.
• How does he react under pressure?
Let’s say your ex boyfriend is starting to call again, and it’s making you uncomfortable because the break was just far too nasty and you just don’t want to go down that road again. You tell your new guy that you’re bothered and worried how to make your ex go away. A man worthy of you will immediately see what he can do, he can (a) make your ex stop calling, (b) make you feel safe and protected. Or he can tell you how to deal with unwanted phone calls, or may give you a few words to tell your ex to stop calling.
This is a pressure situation; it doesn’t require action, but reaction. Relationships encounter pressures time and time again, and you should know as early as possible if your new guy is ready to handle some of it.
• How does he handle bad news?
Let’s say you lose someone really close to you. A man worthy of your love and devotion will immediately offer some form of comfort and help so that you can take your time to grieve. He may offer to drive you where you want to go. He may offer to go with you to the funeral home while you see about the funeral arrangements, and extend his condolences to your family. Take note, ladies, your man is not going to sit there and let you recollect your childhood memories with the deceased. It’s not what men do. But a real man will respond with some kind of a solution. He will see what he can do to help you stop crying, because no man wants to see his girl crying. If your man is not doing anything to comfort you, if he is not offering some kind of solutions to make you feel better, then he needs to be buried away. He doesn’t deserve your unconditional love.
• How does he react when you told him “NO”?
When a man asks for sex, and you said no, his reaction to your answer will tell you everything you need to know about him. If the flowers stop coming, if the phone calls become limited, and the dating stop happening, then you have to accept that this man is in for the sex alone. You need to move on and forget about this guy. But if your refusal doesn’t deter, and he continues to woo you, then he’s really interested in you. Don’t get me wrong, he’s still interested in the sex, but he’s also interested in knowing how you feel and what your conditions about it are. This is when you realize that the relationship becomes about what you want and what your needs are… and that’s what every woman deserves.
So there you have it, ladies- the perfect way to find out if he is the right man for you. Never sell yourself short. You deserve the right man and the right kind of love.
You may be asking yourself, is my boyfriend a commitment phobic? And what is a commitment phobe anyway? Some will even say, all men are commitment phobics. It’s true that men do get this bad rap of “not being able to commit” to one woman.
This post contributed by a guest blogger analyses commitment phobia and the signs of a commitment phobic. Written by a woman this commitment phobic analysis may give you some serious food for thought. Ask yourself, is my boyfriend displaying some of these commitment phobic signs? Do you think some of the commitment issues described by the author are present in your boyfriend? Perhaps this can help shine the light on your boyfriend’s fear of commitment.
I have to say, I am probably one of the worst commitment phobes to ever exist on this planet. I was held as a child, I’m not a whore nor a player, and I’m not some flaky person. After some thought and reflection, I came up with some of my own personal perceptions vs truths about my own commitment phobes.
1. Perception about commitment phobic: I don’t like it when people make a big deal about anything. You know, when you announce something new to people and they go “OMG, WHAT?!” and they start looking at you like you did something totally unheard of and you now must be looked at and gossiped about. I honestly hate it. I guess it’s because I’m pretty self-conscious. I like to be known for my achievements, but I hate it when people just PUSH me into the spotlight about my personal life. I guess you could say that I’m pretty introverted when it comes to my personal life.
Truth about commitment phobic: No one cares. It’s inevitable that people will be surprised at first especially if you’re basically to yourself or if it’s BAM, unexpected. But, this isn’t middle school anymore. We have learned that yes, guys do not have cooties. So, if you’re like me and you just would rather have people stay out of your business, then don’t act like it’s such a big deal and shrug it off. People will just accept it as a part of your daily life. I had to seriously work up my confidence to rock a full face of makeup everyday. It’s because I hated it when people just stared VERY AWKWARDLY into my face and go “IS THAT EYELINER?!” Yes. Yes it is. Now get out of my face.
2. Perception about commitment phobes: I am a workaholic. Yes, a full fledged workaholic. Any relationship will get in my way of schoolwork and I will fail. Basically, I can’t handle 2 relationships at one time.
Truth about commitment phobes: I have pushed away guys who wanted to date me because well, once school kicked in, I got very busy. I have yet to find how some people in my school are able to have a life and yet be valedictorians. I think that it has something to do with being able to just separate your mind into two entities, one for work/school and the other for your life. I haven’t been able to do that. But I’m trying!
3. Perception about commitment phobes: I am a micro-analyzer. I look for flaws, little idiosyncrasies that define a person and decide that I hate them and they need to conform to my standards. I can be tough and uncompromising. Excuse my language but I can be so harsh and critical. I know that right now I’m going to squish two things into one, but they mesh so well together that you guys forgive me right? It’s difficult for me to let my guard down and really let people get to know me.
Truth about commitment phobes: I think that the micro-analyzing has to do with not being able to let people into my life. I know people who are super nice at first, but once you get closer to them, they’ll just try to slip away because well, they feel too trapped. Oh my goodness this is like Book for Dummies- How to be a commitment phobe. But yes, it’s true. I have issues trusting people that and so I know for a fact that I push people away as soon as they start to wander into the “very close” territory. It’s terrifying. So next time someone tells you that they can’t commit because they can’t trust people? Know that it can actually be a problem. How to deal? I’m trying to get over the fact that people won’t make a big fuss over everything unless you let them so trying to trust people will be the next step for me.
4. Perception about commitment phobic: I am the biggest perfectionist on the face of this planet. Everything needs to conform to my standards and reach my personal moral code. I have issues with people not doing what I say or want them to do.
Truth about commitment phobic: Okay, now this one I think I am almost successful in dealing with. After hurting a whole lot of people because they don’t reach my standards of working or well, anything else, I’ve come to realize that you can’t expect people to do exactly what you want because they aren’t you. They aren’t mind readers. Also, you need to realize that you have to trust people to do what you asked. Unless they are truly incapable of doing something or completely untrustworthy, those people will come through for you. It takes some blind faith and it’s terrifying. But ultimately, it’s good for you. It takes a whole lot of scary steps to build up trust with a person and a strong relationship is based off of trust, right?
Honestly ladies, I can’t pretend to be some sort of Dr. Phil-esque relationship genius. I have so many issues with my own personal life that it’s kind of stupid for me to try to give you some serious advice about what to do with your problems. All I can do is to put my problems on display and hope that you realize that yes, there are other commitment phobes like you and yes, you can battle this too. I think that if you closely analyze your own reasons for not being able to commit, lest even make the first step, you could possibly see that everything is just a cycle. I hate being fussed over, so I don’t trust people to just accept things and move forward in a normal fashion. I also am extremely serious about my work so I don’t trust people enough to be able to accept my workaholic nature and well, work with it instead of against it. This leads to me micro-analyzing because I, like every other woman, seek perfection. This leads to me pushing people away as soon as I realize that they aren’t perfect. It’s horrifying now that I’m reading this to myself.
Ladies, I wish you the best of luck. We are all in this together. If you have serious issues with trust and commitment, talk to yourself. Find out what’s holding you back. I’m still on my journey and I know that it can’t be quite painful trying to open yourself up to others, but I’m sure that it’ll be worth it.
Post Contributed By http://prettychinadoll.blogspot.com/