What He Means When He Says He Doesn’t Want To Get Hurt

January 5, 2011 by  
Filed under Dating Tips For Women

As a woman, you probably said or at least thought ‘I don’t want to get hurt’ in reference to a relationship with a man. But you don’t hear this nearly as often from men. So, when a man says ‘I don’t want to get hurt’, what does it mean?

Here is an email from a subscriber:

Hi Elaine,

I met this guy at my health club. At first he was just friendly, asked me for lunch, coffee, etc. after a workout. He gave me his number but I never called. I planned on it but never got around to it, so when I see him in my Monday class at the club he asks me why I never call and if I still have his number. I say I’d call but then again I don’t call and he keeps asking me to call him or add him on FaceBook. He is attractive, but I am taking it slow (there are other attractive guys I work out with and I am not sure which one of them I want to date eventually). Anyway, after we went out for coffee, lunch, and a couple of dinners which were not planned dates but rather going out after a workout this guy tries to kiss me, and I tell him this is going too fast and I just wanted to start as friends. He tells me ok, that’s fine with him. A couple of hours later he sends me this text ‘I have decided I can’t be your friend for now. I don’t want to get hurt, and I need relationships with more emotional reciprocity.’

I was sort of bummed by this; what does it mean he can’t be my friend? Does it mean he isn’t going to say hello when he sees me at the club? How can we not be friends? What does he mean by that? And what kind of a relationship is he talking about? As far as I am concerned we are just getting to know each other as friends, not even beginning to date. Thanks, Elaine


Dear KC,

What this guy means is that he was under the impression that by agreeing to go out for coffee, lunch, etc. with him you were interested in him sexually. When he figured sex was not in the cards any time soon he got upset and sent you this text out of frustration. I don’t believe that he is not going to say hello to you and totally ignore you. What he is saying is that he would be frustrated (hurt) if he was going out with you without a possibility of ever getting anywhere sexually. He is basically letting you know that since you are not physically interested in him he will channel his courtship skills onto someone else, and if I were you I’d say ‘more power to you; best of luck’.



Have you ever heard a guy say to you ‘I don’t want to get hurt’? Share your story in the comments below!

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One Response to “What He Means When He Says He Doesn’t Want To Get Hurt”
  1. lena says:

    The man I am seeing told me this. However, a bit of different circumstances. We have been seeing each other for a while. We are both divorced and middle aged. We both have careers on other ends of the spectrums. This comment came after a conversation involving him saying that “he didnt trust anybody and please don’t distance youself from me now”. I tell him I wont hurt him and he says “i dont think you would on purpose”. We do see each other exclusively, he has not said that he loves me. So who knows if he does or not. We are at the point that it is just expected that we are together when we are not at work or have priorities with our children from a previous marriage.

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