What Men Say About THEIR Fear Of Being Hurt

September 19, 2011 by  
Filed under Commitment Issues

Since I posted my article Is He Afraid Of Being Hurt? I have received some interesting responses from men.

One response specifically asked for my subscribers’ opinions.

It was from a man who shared his experience closely related to the topic discussed.

In this case, he is the one who is afraid of being hurt in a relationship with his girlfriend, and he wanted to share his story with my subscribers and get women’s opinions on what’s going on in this relationship.

Perhaps you are in a situation with a man who is afraid of being hurt. Or maybe you were on the receiving end of a situation such as his.

He would like to hear your thoughts on his situation.

We, women aren’t the only ones who are confused by the behavior of our partners.

Men, similarly to us, are often puzzled and want to know the reasons for their partner’s behavior.

Here is an email from this man who wished to remain anonymous, so for the purpose of this article we’ll call him Ken (not his real name).

He writes:

“Hi Elaine,

I stumbled across your blog looking for answers to my confusing situation with the woman I have been seeing for a couple of months.

When we first met she had just broken up with her ex boyfriend.

Her ex is a total loser who at the age of thirty doesn’t have a job and has been living with his parents ever since she kicked him out of her house.

She swore that she was done with this guy.

For two months our relationship was great. We were getting very close and I thought we were headed toward something serious.

I am at the point in my life where I am looking for my future wife. I am 40, I have two children who visit with me on weekends, have a stable job in the construction field and I am taking night classes at the local community college.

I have played the field long enough and am ready for a real relationship leading to marriage.

I really thought she was The One.

We had great connection and intimate conversations. We did all kinds of things together. We went to parties at her friends and at the country club where she owns a house.

I even started playing golf and tennis with her which was something I have never done before.

I even introduced her to my children (she doesn’t have her own children).

She is a beautiful woman and very successful in her professional career. But that wasn’t why I was with her.

What I liked about her was that she was very humble about the material things and her education and financial success. She also didn’t care about the fact that I am living in a studio apartment, drive an old truck and am taking night classes at the local community college to get my GED.

Despite our differences we were getting very close and got serious quickly.

After two months of dating she suddenly did a complete turn-around and announced that she was going to give her ex boyfriend a second chance.

After what she had told me about him I thought there was no way she would get back together with this loser.

According to her he treated her like crap and with complete disrespect.

I was very hurt and wanted an explanation. She said they had a history together and she couldn’t just throw it away.

After that, we were still talking, and she told me how her ex was acting after they got back together. To me it sounded like he was still treating her with disrespect.

But she was back with him, and I didn’t want to be a second fiddle. After a painful struggle I stopped calling her as my friends had suggested.

A week later she called me and said she was confused about what she wanted and wasn’t sure who she wanted to be with. She said she liked me and still wanted to date me and get to know me slowly (that was after we had an intense sexual relationship for two months! And suddenly she wants to take it slow?)

She said that perhaps there is someone out there for all of us (meaning that there was someone else out there for her, for me, and for her ex).

I don’t know what to do at this point.

I have very strong feelings for this woman and hope that we can work things out. But at the same time she is still seeing her ex and is not ready to break it off.

I hope that she will see that I am The One for her. My question is – Should I stick around hoping that she will chose me over her ex eventually?

I don’t want to get hurt again if she eventually chooses her ex over me.

I told her to figure out things with her ex and come back to me when she is ready to end it with him. I don’t want to share the woman I have feelings for with someone else.

I have deleted her phone number so I won’t be tempted to call her. My friends say that if I give her space she will realize what she’s lost and come back to me.

I think it may be a good suggestion, but at the same time I am afraid that if I stop contacting her she will think I’ve lost interest and never come back to me.

Women are so confusing and are impossible to understand.

I would really like to know what goes on in a woman’s head when she does something like this.

I appreciate your response and hearing from other women!

Basically, my question is, if you are a woman who does something like this, why do you do this and what is going through your head when you do this?

And also, I’d like to know what is the best course of action to take to get her back?

Thanks a lot for reading and your advice!


I have responded to Ken in a private message which I will share on this blog in my next article, but now I would like to hear from other women reading this blog!

What do you think about this situation? Please do share by leaving a comment in the comment section down below!

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46 Responses to “What Men Say About THEIR Fear Of Being Hurt”
  1. catrina says:

    Hi ‘Ken’ – I am guilty of doing just this!!. I broke a lovely man’s heart after a year-long relationship to go back to my ex. As beautiful/loyal/giving as my boyfriend was, there were still feelings in my heart for the ex and I still thought of him often. I needed to go back or forever regret not following my heart (even though my head definitely said to chose the boyfriend). If there is a spark in your heart for one person, it is hard to do the rational thing.
    My ex and I are still together and even though there are certainly times when I think ‘what am I doing?” – that undeniable spark is strongly there.
    Don’t feel bad Ken, it’s nothing you’ve done or didn’t do, is just chemistry and who knows, there is a strong chance she’ll realize you are indeed the ‘one’.

  2. Betsy says:

    She is possibly looking for someone to rescue. It may be that she is comfortable with ‘mistreatment’. Maybe that is what she understands from her childhood. Maybe she wants to find someone who feels worse about himself than she does with herself. I would say that she needs to do work on herself to understand why she puts up with a man who is not showing respect to her.

  3. jolene says:

    Men…woman need a challenge, don’t be too easy so she knows she can come back any time. Let her know you have boundaries that can not be crossed in a serious relationship. She’s playing both sides of the fence because she knows your whipped. Don’t let her take you for granted. If she really wants you after you stand up to your moral values, she will beg for you back….and have more respect for you as well.

  4. pat howard says:

    I cant belive this, it is almost a mirror image of my situation over the past 9 months. I had moved interstate and bought another home this time alone and resigned to the fact I would ssend the rest of my life on my own after having three abusive marriage/partnerships. One was and still is a womaniser at 65! for over 30 years, another physically abusive and the last one emotinally abusive (what a pattern)> I met this lovely gentle kind man and we hit it off almostinstantly. He had been seperated for over a year and going through property settlement and divorce. He suddenly 8 weeks ago sold his business to his son to avoid having everything taken from the settlement and three weeks ago told me he wanted to try and see if he could make a go of it with his ex. I was hurt but Im really just confused ‘cos I know and can feel how much he feels for me. I have worked on muchof mhy own baggage over the years from a usual disfunctinal background and whilst I am hurting and I dont understand why anyone would go back to a partner who is verbally abusive, I love him and canonly carry on with mhy life as best I can and allow myself to grieve this loss and love himenough to let him do what he feels he has to do for himself, without any blame. At 65 I would love a loving kind and sharing partner but they are very hard to come across, there always seems to be some payoff on one side and I want a fairly equal, respectful,loving sexually compatible partnership, all else should follow in my female logic

  5. Korie says:

    Ken, I think you did the right thing by telling “her” to figure out what she wants and come back once she has ended it with him. That should be full stop for you until and unless she does just that. I understand that you are hurting right now. But unless you stick fast to your guns, you will be willfully submitting yourself to longterm pain. We teach people how to treat us. If you don’t stick to your guns you are teaching “her” that you will accept being disrespected by her. And she will respond to that open invitation of “relationship abuse” by doing so in the future. I think that most women truly want a man that respects himself enough to expect to be treated respectfully in a relationship.

    • Laura says:

      I really like what you said here, Korie……”We teach people how to treat us. If you don’t stick to your guns you are teaching “her” that you will accept being disrespected by her. And she will respond to that open invitation of “relationship abuse” by doing so in the future.”

      Ken thank you for your bravery in speaking your mind…..

      Having spent the last five years looking at me – learning about myself. I don’t want my ex back – I didn’t like how he treated me then & I don’t like how he continues to treat me now with having child custody….the difference now is that I know how to put boundaries into place for me because I have taken the time to learn.

      It hurts like hell, it’s hard to put yourself out there only to feel rejected again…..after being extremely hurt – it’s a risk but wanting someone to ‘be the one’ and them choosing to ‘be the one’ – well you can’t force. Love should be gentle, open and allowed to breathe…

      I am still not perfect – who is? But I do know what I want, I do know how I will treat my special someone if I get the chance again…. but bottom line is – do you really want slaves or do you want someone to be with you because they absolutely WANT to, can’t live without you because of WHO YOU ARE regardless of your past?

      Having gone through the experiences we have….I understand how bad you want to feel love and companionship again….Good luck to you and follow your heart please – it won’t steer you wrong.

      All my best,

  6. Paula B Nicoletti says:

    Tom, the best thing you should do is not to contact her, period. Go out with your friends and continue to live your life. Keep busy. This will make her wonder more about you as to where you are and who you are with. I feel if you let her know you will stick around until she makes up her mind, she will take her sweet time. Your complete break from her will make her realize what she had. You know the saying, if you love someone, set them free…… I’m in a situation myself where the guy doesn’t want a committment and says he is very confused. Instead he wants to see me (and as he puts it) “still sow his oates” I told him I value myself too much to put myself in that situation since we’ve been dating for a year now, he should have an idea as to what he wants. I’ve decided to cut him off….but guess what…he’s texting me and emailing me, always wondering where I am. But I always tell him I am busy. Until he makes up his mind as to what he wants- I will see other people and continue to live my life. Love shouldn’t be so tough!

    • wang says:

      I totally agree with u if u love somethin /someone let them go
      and if uall was ment to be it will return to u ,but if it don’t it was not for u yes it hurt when u love someone and they do not love u the way u show them well we like go through it if someone can’t treat u the way u should be remember u deserve better and to be happy.

  7. Dru says:

    Hei Ken move on though it may be difficult in the begining, she`s playing you women often fall for men who are like thier fathers ,maybe she grew up with parents who were disrespectful to each other and thats all she knows,ergo shes comfortable with the same thing ,your far too nice for her,and probably come over as a bit boering ,if your not the quarrelsome type, wish you luck with a real person who will love you for who you are not what you do in the sack, with respect Dru

  8. Cindy says:

    I’ve been in a similar situation with a guy. Kinda that “have your cake and eat it to” thing. It’s bs. No one deserves to be treated like second best, especially when they are so obviously the better choice. Cut your losses. I know it’s difficult, but you will be able to look yourself in the mirror. And you will definitely thank yourself later! There is someone special out there that will appreciate what a truly wonderful man you are. Go find her!

  9. Denise says:


    I dont think she knows what she really wants yet. She has gotten used to being treated shabbily so she dosen’t think she deserves to be treated like a queen.

    I cannot tell you not to call her because she will think that you did not care about her in the first place, even though she was the one who made the mistake.

    Love hurts like hell (although i have never been there and dont intend to) but i’m in love with a man too and it seems as if i cannot move on with my life and i know that what he is not giving me what i deserve. So follow your heart and see where it takes you. Sometimes you just have to love unconditionally.

  10. Shirley says:

    Dearest Ken, No matter how hard we try we can’t make someone love us. I have been in love and been seeing a guy for three and a half years,. He is afraid of being hurt also. If we get things moving along he throws his hands up and takes a step backward while saying “I just can’t be hurt again” This behavior is prompted by a desire to get close to others while maintaining a shield to avoid hurt and violates a simple but powerful truth: If you’re going to allow yourself to be vulnerable you have to risk getting hurt. I hurt every day because of this, and keep thinking he will change his mind while I remain a slave to his every desire, and sit home thinking he will call and he doesn’t until he is ready and healed from getting too close. The thing is most peopke ove 40 or so have had their hearts shattered at some point, and it takes an act of congress to want to go thru that emotional drama again. I know what you are going through and I tell myself that I have to let him go. I say it outloud and my phone will ring and it is him asking if I am alright. He says he feels it in the spirit. If he feels me and my thoughts like that why can’t he see beyond his fragile heart. I could heal that. But he won’t let me in. I think it is useless , and futile on my part to hold on, but I do. One day you will know when you have had enough and let it go. So will I. I have never found any fault in him. He is perfect in every way. Maybe it is just not in the cards for us. Putting distance between you is one way to move on and dating others is another way. Sounds good , doesn’t work because about the time I think I have recovered, BAM, there he is with that irristable charm, and here I go again. It is just not fair. There is no answer. Just play it out and be happy for what little time you share with her. She will never change. Years from now you will be able to look back and appreciate the prayers that are never answered. “Thank God for Unanswered Prayers.” Garth Brooks. PS. Put it in the hands of the Lord. If it is meant to be it will be.

  11. Anabela says:

    Wow! I just read this article and it sounds just like my situation.

    I need your help!

    Six months ago I met a man at work. We started dating and soon became very close.

    Three weeks into the relationship we were spending almost every night together. He told me we had something special and were more than friends. But the only thing was that he never introduced me to any of his friends and we only met at his apartment at night after work.

    He is very busy, works long hours and has a school-age daughter whom he visits every other weekend out of town.

    We work in the same building but his office is on a different floor, so we almost never run into each other at work unless I come to his cube so that we can go to lunch together.

    Because we work for the same company he wanted to keep our relationship a secret from the very beginning, even though some of his co-workers knew we were seeing each other.

    One time we went to a food court down the street for lunch. There we ran into a group of people that work at his department.

    He seemed very uncomfortable and tried to stay away from me. When we came to the register to pay for our lunch he turned away from me and was engaged in a conversation with his co-workers.

    I paid for my food and then he pretended like he wanted to pay for me but the cashier said it was already paid for.

    Then I went to sit at a table and he went to talk to his co-workers. After they left he finally joined me as if nothing had happened.

    I understand that because we work together he probably didn’t want to broadcast our relationship. But I was very upset and stopped answering his calls after that.

    I did not see him for about four months, and actually started seeing someone else during that time. I think that I was on the rebound, and this new guy was not what I was looking for and I broke up with him very fast.

    After my breakup with the new guy I got the courage to call the guy from my work again because I never lost my feelings for him. He seemed happy that I called. I asked if he wanted to meet me for a drink.

    He said he had a party to go to and would come over to my place after.

    At 10 pm at night he called saying he was on his way to my place. When he came over he gave me a hug and tried to kiss me, but I turned away from his kiss.

    He then proceeded to sit on the couch in my living room and told me he was suffering because of some woman he had started seeing.

    It turned out he started dating a woman who had just got hired at his department for an upper management position literally a week after we saw each other last!

    Unlike my relationship with him he seemed to be very open about his new relationship with this manager-woman.

    I have never met her because she works at his department and I have never gone there since out breakup. But what he tells me about her is that she is an ivy league graduate, very successful and the whole nine yards.

    He also tells me she is a former homecoming queen who still looks fantastic.

    She took him to some upper-echelon social gatherings, introduced him to her influential friends, etc.

    He just couldn’t stop talking about this woman.

    Then he went on to tell me that this woman recently broke up with him because she said she was *thinking* about getting back together with her ex.

    And to make things worse she said she wanted to keep it casual between them while she was trying to decide if she wanted to get back together with her ex.

    And he went on to tell me how hurt he was and kept asking me what he should do to get her back!!!

    And I am sitting there thinking “WTF!!!! I am your ex who never stopped having feelings for you, and you are venting to me about this woman who apparently got everything I wanted and never had with you!!!!”

    Now he says that HE wants to get her back but he also doesn’t know if moving on would be the best move that would get her interested in him again.

    Then he told me he still missed me and would like to get together again soon!!!!

    I don’t know what to make out of that???

    Is he just looking for a rebound relationship while he is waiting for this other woman to figure out what she wants???

    I feel like I am in a worse position of them all!!!

    It’s a crazy love triangle, and I am the fourth person in this love triangle which is the worst!

    I am not sure why he let me go so easily when I stopped answering his calls, but now he is acting very differently with this new woman.

    He also knew I was dating someone while we were broken up, because he told me he’d heard about it from someone at work, but he never tried to fight for me as he is for this woman.

    The thing that baffles me the most is that he is willing to take anything he could get from this woman, even if it hurts him and crushes his ego.

    Please explain this to me!!!

    • wang says:

      There is Notting to explain sorry to say i’m not a expert but but he dons not wat u he do not care about u in anyway he don’t even respect u because if he did he would he would not hide uall relationship and he would also introduce u to his friends he was just using you don’t give him another chance to do it again yes it hurts cause u still feel for him but he is not worth it at all.

      • Anabela says:

        hi Wang,

        thank you for your response. I would like to know though why he is acting so different with this other woman? He is very open about their relationship and it makes me think maybe he wants to be with someone who is rich and successful and who can take him to a higher level financially and professionally. If this is what he wants I will understand that but if this is not why he is all over that other woman then I want to know why he didnt want a relationship with me, it’s just about money and nice things. I wonder if this is the reason. What do you think?

        • JC says:


          My heart goes out to you! Wang is right, it sounds like he’s just using you–for sex, as a bootie call!

          He may be using the other woman because of her wealth, success, and influence, or may be he truly fell in love with her. Nonetheless, all of these does NOT matter to you . . . it is a waste of your energy and time to ponder this. Why? Because what it looks like at our end (the readers), from your recount of your experience, is that he does NOT love you! He does not feel for you the way you feel for him.

          Do yourself a favor . . . let him go! Create a space for another man who truly loves you!

          Sorry about being so blunt, but it is the truth! And I hope this jolts you into doing for yourself that favor I’ve suggested above.


  12. Rean says:

    I think that this lady is still in love with her Ex and maybe, she hasn’t developed feelings for you like you have for her. I think she knows that you are good for her but they say, for a new relationship to happen and take place you have to shut the old door for you open a new door…You have to allow yourself to move on first. You sound like a very ambitious strong person, and you let her know when she is ready to get over her Ex, then she is welcome to come back, that is right what you let her know. It is always a turn off for a person when they feel pressured to commit, when they are not ready to go there you would only push them away further away if you do so. If one person is doing more than the other in a relationship there is no balance, you have to meet each other half way especially if it’s premature as you said you’ve known her for only two three months. I understand how you are feeling to some capacity as I’m in a kind of similar situation myself, but you have a life and my advice to you is keep your options open, don’t put all your eggs in one basket because it will only drive you crazy. That way you wont need to focus on one woman, who isn’t putting in as much effort as you are.

  13. Melissa says:

    We women like a bit of a challenge too.It is romantic.
    You must put a higher price on yourself .You are worth it.

  14. Es says:

    When you are going through love turbilations you feel that you are the only one! The feelings are so intens and overwhelming that you get caught up in them fighting to breath. Your head tells you to move on but emotions your heart does not have a on and off switch! Impossible to think that someone els can share intimacy and then just walk away!

    I hear you! I was that girl! I messed with with a great guy once! We were so in love but he didn’t need me! My ex however relied on me to keep the boat afloat! I went back to him for a sence of purpose and comfort feelings! Although something was missing… We planned our second child got engaged. I wasn’t happy anymore! That same sence of purpose turned into a curse! He broken off the engagement because he realized he can not manipulate me or make me do what he wants! The so great guy I gave up for this broken journey made contact with me again! Knowing what I’ve done to him and the pain I caused him. We are very good friends but 5 years is a long time! We have all sorts of sparks but he can’t shake the past and therefore can’t open himself for me! I’m at lost here!

    The point I want to make is that even though you feel you really want her back and that you will do anthing will change! It needs to hurt it means you learnt a lesson! Even when she comes back you’ll always wonder and will always wait for her to go back to him! This means that in actual fact a relationship with her has no future you guys will be stuck in the past!Yeah I know you are thinking it will not be like that! But hey she made him to be a monster and said she’ll never go back! Did you ever think he just might not be that bad!

    The emotionAl rollercoaster is the worst but that will end and you will be fine!

  15. Cathy says:

    Unfortunately, women, just like men have a huge fear of being hurt. Just like some of the other posts say….they get use to one way and change is scary. Even though the change may be for the better, none the less it is change and they know what to expect. With the new, even though it is great, and everything seems wonderful, it is change and they are not sure what path the relationship will take next. I think when most people get to that “fork in the road,” they take the path that is least resistant instead of taking the new unbeaten path, simply because it is familiar. Sadly, adults and especially ones that have had bad experiences, do allow themselves to become victims of circumstance. I hate the word victim, but even though they (and them only), have control of what happens…….they allow themselves to become victims of what they consider normal and okay. I am certainly not saying that she can’t change. I was in three verbally abusive relationships. Two of them I was married to, but luckily, I see what they were (as does she with her ex) and I HAD to make the choice to move forward and STOP dating men that were abusive. It took me a LONG time to figure this out. I had to stop and find me. She needs to just let go (of both of you) and find herself. Until she knows who she is and what she wants, she will never be fair to anyone that she is in a relationship with. Before you can love anyone, you have to love yourself. It doesn’t sound like she loves herself; otherwise she would not ALLOW someone to treat her the way her ex does. Do not put YOUR life on hold for someone that is trying to figure themselves out. I am not telling you to forget about her, but don’t stop loving you. It sounds like you have reached a point in your life that you have yourself together and you are doing well. YOU MADE that choice. You stated in your email that you were personally doing well. Continue down that path and she will either realize what she had lost or she won’t. Do you “really” want someone in your life that is capable of doing this to you time and time again? Until she gets herself together you don’t need that kind of pressure.

  16. Linda says:

    Everyone seems to think they have to have the hottest, most passionate, deeply loving relationship in order to be happy, and they’re not smart enough to figure out that sometimes the softer, more affectionate kind of love has a much better chance of lasting for the long haul. It also can grow into a much deeper kind of love than the hotter type that usually fizzles after some time passes. Chemistry is very deceptive – it makes you think you’ve found The One, when that other person probably isn’t feeling as much chemistry as you are. Love relationships are always unbalanced, meaning one person always loves more than the other.

    Ken, I don’t see this woman as doing anything any differently than I’ve seen men act in the same situation with a woman. Love causes all of us to do what appears to be weird things from other people’s perspectives. We all, when treated disrespectfully or badly by someone we love, just can’t let go of that great desire and need to win over that person’s love – that’s what keeps the victim going back, hoping the other person will finally love them back. Unfortunately, love doesn’t work that way. If you want someone else to love you, the best way to get their love is to love yourself first, meaning stand your ground, maintain your boundaries, and demand to be treated with respect. If you allow the other to act however they want because you want them so badly, it’s a guarantee that they’ll treat you badly. That’s human nature. Men and women do it to each other – gender is not the issue here.

    Martyring oneself for the sake of love is never a good idea – it shows too much neediness, and only turns off the other person, causing them to leave. RESPECT is where it’s at, for men and women. Demand to be treated with respect, and you’ll get a much better quality of love. You have to really believe that you deserve to be treated well in order to get that from others. Insecurity is the bottom line problem causing so many people (men and women) to be needy and clingy with their chosen loved one, thereby causing the object of their affection to be turned off and lose the attraction for them. That’s when the ex starts to look more attractive, especially after enough time has passed to forget about how the ex used to treat you. It goes both ways – that’s life, that’s human nature, male and female.

    The other dynamic coming into play is always wanting what you can’t have. If you can get it easily enough, you perceive the value of that person as much less than maybe they really are. The challenge of winning someone over seems more worth pursuing.

  17. Linda says:

    Another thought . . . until we’ve had our heart broken a FEW times, only then can we learn how to deal with the pain and get past it. The first broken heart is the hardest. After you’ve had your heart broken enough times, it becomes easier to get past it and move on to someone else. There are many fish in the sea, and lots of people who could be The One (which is an oxymoron, because there is no such thing as only one person for each of us). That’s the point. We all have a huge capacity for loving other people. The trick is to find someone to love who fits our neuroses in a positive way, not a negative way. We also need to fit their neuroses in a positive way, or the relationship is doomed from the start. That’s the real trick in picking a person to love and commit to for any length of time.

  18. kim says:

    It’s not you. She probably tried to do the right thing with you, but realized she can’t handle a normal guy. She used to the abuse and doesn’t feel worthy of a healthy relationship. That’s why she’s so successful with work, she has rules, demands and has to be disciplined. She likes a chalenge and your to easy for her.. do you really want to be working that hard and she doesn’t. She doesn’t deserve you so don’t wait and worry. Give some other girl a chance at what you have to offer. And on the revenge side, when she sees you one day happy with another woman, well that will be good enough.

  19. name says:

    it is terrible pain, but very normal for such a thing to happen
    looks like she was trying to heal – and it worked for her for some while – you had a passionate sexual thing going, and then she got confused

    probably something within your relationship had died a bit – or it got less exciting and she missed that passion in her heart – so she turned to her ex – and then that did not work out

    so she thought maybe if you guys will take it slowly and try to build something there is still a chance

    probably you would have done the same

  20. Charlene says:

    I think you are making a huge mistake to wait around for her. We all are scared to get hurt but that does’nt mean that we can hurt other peoples feelings in the process. She have decided to leave you, which tells you that you were her re-bound boyfriend. She dont love you enough to continue with her life. Some people wants to be treated badly and are so comfortable in that zone that they are actually go back to get hurt again. You are a good guy and hang in there. There will be a girl who will see that goodness and who wants to share a life with you.

  21. Leroy says:

    Well said…Kim 🙂

    Plain and simple and so true… I just
    Went just went thru this myself kev
    and this is the way I went, she don’t
    deserve a nice guy, give yourself to
    someone who does 🙂

  22. evan says:

    right now im looking at you and i cant believe you dont know, you dont know your beautiful

  23. Joette Habermehl says:

    Great article, great tips and great cover ! It is a pleasure to follow your blog.

  24. Catinella says:

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  25. arachnophobia says:

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  26. Karina says:

    I believe we women should think twice what we do to men instead of presenting ourselves like victims.

  27. Patricia says:

    Hi Ken,

    After reading your letter I would like to help a bit on this, if possible, with my oppinion and experience in life.
    To your questions: 1) she is just trying to feel secure, she is back with her ex because her ego is hurt and she thinks she feels something better for him of his mistreatment, which at the end of the day it is the same. She is with you and does not want to lose you because she knows you are a better man to be with than her ex and so she wants to make sure that you are still there for her in case his ex´s history ends again. Of course she may have feelings for you, she has them as she has been intimating with you for sometime and has know you better, but her security need is stronger that that and so she makes sure this is cover.

    2) I see that despite men and women are different in the depest level of both of us we are the same. When we love we have the same fears and concerns. BUT there is something else, the psicology or each of us, the mindset of each of us, the trigger point of each of us. It means that love, real love, only occurs when you really know the other person and you feel linked to that person at different levels (sexual, emocionally, intelectually, in a human point of view, about the future objectives of each one, on the view of growing and getting older together, many things…). However, until that happens there is other thing that keeps us strongly linked to the other person. This is sex and psicology (chemistry). Sex because once you have intimated with the other person your brain gets used to her/his essence and wants more of it (so you are hooked); Psicology, because depending on what type of chilhood you had, the oppinion you have of yourself, the fears you feel about your life at the moment you meet and are with that person as well as the needs you are experiencing at that moment too, depending on all of that, you will fall for one person or another. In other words, sex neurotransmisors and your psicology, emotional status, will determine you immediately fall for a specific person and not for others, but that does not mean you are really in love, at least suddenly as it is your case (in a pair of months). Furthermore, you have seen her as something can disapear at any moment as since the begginig of your relationship she is just separeted from his ex, then his return is a high chance and it makes her more attactive that reality could be otherwise. And you also admire her because apparently she has got better proffesional level than you, But, again that is not love, it is need.

    So, if you want to get her back, get your selfsteem strong, clarify how real is your love and need for her, not your biological chemistry or psicological/emotional needs, show security about your value to her and at the same time be nice with her but not too nice, not needy, show you may go off as well as she does so be attractive, have sense of humor and do not show all your fears, not at this stage but later on when relationship is stronger.
    I suggest you figure out what you want and what you need in your life. Someone who is going to depart at any moment? someone who loves you and wants to stay with you as you with her? then, focuse on that, and at the same time you try to get her back meet other women, just for a coffee if you want, just to talk but meet other women do not do comparisons with her or you will be loosing the opportunity to see that other women can be your perfect mate too, get your mind out of the focuse on her for a while and as much as you can althoug you keep focusing on your objective, she, within calm and security because I tell you: you can and will get it if you really want but for that you have to face first your real needs and your wishes and then define how in love you are with her and how hooked you are with her. Thus, you will be able to get stronger, confident and focused on the real objective and get it. It will be a fun learning at the same time you improve your life, you will see. I promise it will be a great help for this relationship and for anyone you may have if you get to know well yourself and define as well as control what the reality is and the way you want to experience your life. Thank you for giving the opportunity to try and help you on this. All the best.

  28. Laggan says:

    Do you have a Facebook page or Twitter? Would love to follow you there, I’m on my iPhone and love reading your stuff!

  29. mary says:

    it differs from women to women.so depends.mostly when women get dissapointed,they either take someone just to show his ex that she has someone (i mean just becouse she is frustrated that time).but as time goes by,she start mising his ex.means she still love him.

    having a history together could not be the main reason,its becouse she is missing something in him which you can not offer to her!she still has strong feelings about him,irrigadless that he is jobless.perhaps you treat her too much like an angel and say yes to all her request that makes her get bored.women just like men also likes challeging relation.

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