Why Am I So Insecure Around Men

July 22, 2010 by  
Filed under Dating Tips For Women

Dear Elaine,

Seven months ago I was seeing a man I am still attracted to. In fact it’s been two dates and three nights spent together. He contacted me on a dating website and we corresponded for a week before we went out for a date. While online I behaved like a witch and he seemed insecure, always asking for permission which I let him know was very irritating to me. Having been disappointed by too many men I was direct and clear that I know my worth and wouldn’t let him treat me like a sex doll or a hooker to which he took offence. One of his messages said: “I want you but you don’t give me a chance.” I responded: “Come and take your chance.”

At that time he was just one of many men online who contacted me and I don’t remember if he had asked for my number and if I had refused to give it out. Finally I got tired of what I thought were his indecisiveness and insecurities and in an emotional state, I wrote to him to give me his number and that I was going to call him the next day. He promptly sent his number and wrote he was happy he’d hear my voice.

On the following day I called him but our first date couldn’t take place because there was an emergency and he had to go back to work as he told me on the phone five minutes after we agreed to meet.

The next morning he sent me a message asking me out for dinner if I was not busy. I didn’t feel desired enough and though I was available, sent him an answer that I was already busy. He replied:”Go and have fun with the other guy. I’d never run after a woman and never be a second option.” He wrote he was disappointed because he wanted to surprise me and even had bought roses for me.

The next day he called me and we finally met in real life. Then I felt attracted to him and in love, just could’t help it. I let him know that I was seeking for a serious relationship and not just a casual fling. On his part he didn’t show me what he wanted or I didn’t quite get it. He complained of me being sarcastic and critical of him online and I think he said it for fun that he was afraid to even think of touching me or asking me to have dinner with him at his place. He made another joke when I asked him whether he wouldn’t marry some day. Before we parted he asked me if he might call me later and that we might go out again the same evening and I said yes and that I never call first unless in a commited relationship. He looked somewhat hesitant.

An hour later he sent me a message saying:” It seems to me I disappointed you.” We exchanged a few messages and I didn’t reply to his last message in which he said we would get in contact the next day.

He didn’t call the next day, nor the day after and so I replied teasing him good-naturedly for being a deal breaker. He wrote back that he had a lot to do, that there would be second, third and so on dates and that it was all up to me. My reply was that I take the message and excused myself for being intrusive to which he answered:”Ok, would you accept an invitation for dinner and sex since you are so brave.”

We were about to fall out and stop communicating but after three days and as soon as he was back from visiting his parents he wrote to me. I replied simply:”Call me” and he called telling me that he liked me so much and asking me to pick me up and take me to his place to have dinner and spend the night together. I wasn’t very much inclined but he asked me again and again and promised to drive me the next morning to the interview for a new job I had told him I didn’t want to miss. I accepted though I wasn’t sure it was right. Then he sent a message saying that he couldn’t know if it was a serious relationship unless he held me in his arms.

He was tender and nice and offered to me to sleep in a separate room in case I had changed my mind. I refused and in the middle of the night I freaked out and acted insecure. I told him I had made a mistake and that I wasn’t sure he’d want to see me again after having been intimate too soon. He seemed embarrassed and just said it sounded as if he was using me.

Every time we were together I was needy, insecure, clingy, demanding, my well-being seemed to depend on him and seeing all this he was getting nervous and on several occasions raised his voice at me. I even tried to initiate a serious talk about our relationship in the middle of kissing.

We are both single and of the same age. The only sweet talk I’ve ever got from him is:”You’re gorgeous” and I don’t think it’s really sweet. He always drove me home in the morning and paid for a taxi in the evening.

He has his own life, takes care of his nephew and niece and is at his sister’s beck and call. Early in the morning he was summoned by his sister and he couldn’t drive me to the interview.

After the first night I acted on emotion and sent him a message saying that I had wanted to be with him again but he hadn’t called as he’d said he would and he replied when he got online. One of the things he wrote was that he saw me as a pessimist and for that reason he didn’t know if we’d see each other again.

Nevertheless the next Friday evening at 7 PM he asked me to his apartment. He had drunk and couldn’t pick me up and so I told him a friend of mine would drive me. Here he went again that he’d never be a second choice and told me to have fun with the other guy. I assured him that he was just a friend who wanted to do me a favor. His last message for the evening said that he enjoyed the time spent with me and made no promises to marry me.

Anyway, I took a taxi and he paid for it. It felt like a booty call and I got angry both at him and myself. I wouldn’t let him touch me and answered three calls from male friends in his presence just to punish him. He got impatient and asked me not to pick up my phone.

I live with my parents and so I called my mother to let her know I would be away for the night. She knew I was with him and wanted me to return home right away. She insisted and wouldn’t take no for an answer. I got upset and didn’t know what to do. Unlike other people who would make fun of me, he just dialed her number, talked to her and she calmed down.

The same evening he told me that he cared for me and would never make me part of a threesome or foursome or do anything hurtful to me. That sounded so weird that I went silent and it took me some time to realise what he had meant.

While he was asleep I used his computer and saw his profile on a sex website. He had left it online for the night. I didn’t take it to heart and just closed the window. After all we were not in an exclusive relationship. In the morning I told him I had spent some time at the computer and he looked somewhat concerned when he asked me if there was a problem he corresponded with other people. I replied that his private life was his business only.

On Monday at 8 PM he called me to check up with me if I had had problems with my parents and asked me if I wanted to be with him. I said I’d think and call him later. Then I offered to postpone for the next day and he agreed. On the next day he didn’t call and I sent him a message seeing he was online. He replied he was sorry but he couldn’t because he had relatives from another town visiting him for a whole week and that he had to pick them up from the bus station. I had a bad cold and wrote that wouldn’t be able to see him for about a week either to which he replied:”I see, somebody has kept you uncovered all night. I hope you’ll be better when my visitors leave.” I felt hurt and didn’t know what to respond. I was seeing nobody else and I’m not the kind of woman to get sexually exclusive with more than one man.

After two weeks or so I contacted him online asking him to let me know if he no longer had a desire to be with me. He replied promptly that he wanted me, that having sex with me felt gorgeuos to him and that he really thought I was seeing other men. We ended up spending another night together. I was as insecure and needy as before and there was too much kissing and touching on my part. I could no longer hide my feelings and gave him too much too soon. I even told him that I was in love with him.

Thtree days passed and I was anxious to know where we were standing and what he thought about continuing to see each other. So I took the risk of being rejected and called him. I caught him at a bad time and he got nervous and rude on the phone. He didn’t call back as he had said he would and I messaged to share something I was happy about and called him again later. He was reluctant to talk and let me know that although I gave him his space, when we were together I was controling and he couldn’t breathe. He also said that he didn’t need a woman by his side and that we should do better if we stopped getting together for some time. I had a hard time hearing all this from him and told him that from that moment on he would be the one to initiate contact if he ever wanted and he said ok and that it was better this way.

His answer to my message was:”Ok. I’m glad you won the case and got remunerated but please don’t breathe in my neck and hold me accountable for where I go and what I do.” He was mean and paranoid. Nobody deserves being treated like that.

I kept my promise and never contacted him again. I upload and rotate new photos, go on dates with other men, meet new people and have a full life of my own but I still think and dream about him every day.

On his birthday and three months after our last conversation I put as a logo of my main picture Happy Birthday and he messaged immediately: “How’re you doing, honey” and a smiley with a bunch of flowers. I didn’t reply and he sent:”Ok. Obviously not.” I wouldn’t be one on his needy-and-ready- at-any-time list.

Another three months passed and I looked up his profile by mistake. ( We can look up each others profiles while offline without the other person knowing that.) He saw this in the statistics and pounced at sending me a message saying:”It’s obvious that your relationship is over. Again you are looking around here. It’s a pity you gave me such a nasty brush-off.” I’m not sure what he meant by a brush-off. Ignored, rejected,isolated?

I reminded him that he was the one who wanted to stop seeing each other and that I had kept my promise not to contact him first although I like him so much. Next he wrote:”But didn’t you have a serious relationship and wanted me not to call you.” My reply was:”You have gotten the wrong impression.” To this his replied:”But you remember that there can’t be anything more than sex between us. I don’t want to commit.” I wrote that at this point I didn’t want to commit to anyone either and that we barely know each other to think of a commitment. He answered:”If you agree that there will be only sex, it’s no problem seeng each other regularly.” I made it clear to him that I don’t take crumbs and that he will no longer have me for free. He repeated that he wouldn’t commit to anyone and anything and that it was for me to decide if we were going to have sex. I made a point that doing other things that we both enjoy outside his apartment is important to me and not just sex. He explained why he didn’t want to go out, that the weather was cold and that he preferred holding me in his arms in a warm place instead. He repeated that it was for me to decide and that he wasn’t going to beg. I replied:”I want you and you don’t need to beg. If you want me too, we’ll figure it out.” He answered:”Ok. When you are free and want to see each other just let me know.” I took my time and replied after two days:”It’s against my nature to pursue and I’ll be glad if you contact me.” He wrote:”I contacted you and made an offer but you did nothing. I’m not gonna beg. You either want ot not.” I responded that I meant for him to initiate contact when he is free so that we could make plans. Here is his reply:”Ok. I’m on a holiday leave. We can figure it out tomorrow. If the weather is better.” I responded:”Ok.We’ll see.”

I haven’t heard from him since then and it’s been a month. He didn’t remember about my birthday and uploaded a new picture of himself with the date of my birthday.

I don’t know if he thinks I’m not that interested in him. Maybe he doesn’t want to take unnecessary risks of being rejected or just takes me for granted and expects me to call him and ask him out. In our last correspondence he seemed resentful or plainly rude. No salutation, no addressing me, no smileys.

I like him and want to give us a chance. I realise my insecure, clingy and demanding behavior was a turn off for him and sent him running away. Now I’m still working on my self confidence and sense of self-worth and I’m already a different person, more confident and independent.

Please let me know if there is anything I can do to get him to call and go out with me.

With best regards,

Svetla

Hi Svetla,

Your problem is in your insecurities. When you are insecure around the man you like, you will do things that will cause him to pull away from you. To learn how to increase confidence with men visit This Page ==> Confidence Tips For Women


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Comments

4 Responses to “Why Am I So Insecure Around Men”
  1. vette says:

    Being a blawger is like being in charge of your own personal insane asylum.

  2. psem78 says:

    it was very interesting to read.
    I want to quote your post in my blog. It can?
    And you et an account on Twitter?

  3. jackson says:

    ok..

    a) this guy is ONLY after sex. period. Do NOT go there. NEXT NEXT NEXT.

    He is flat out saying NO COMMITTMENT. He will not and will never change, if you go into this thinking ok we’ll it’s just casual and getting to ‘know each other’ BULLSHIT. So not going to happen that way…and you know you want more. not with this type of guy. You can see he won’t get close to girls, he won’t. You can’t “save” him or get him to love you either. He won’t love anyone the way you want love, so don’t feel worried about losing him you won’t, no one will really “get him”. He will constantly be searching the streets never fully satisfied always looking for ‘the next adventure’ in his life both emotionally career wise and sexually, where he isn’t tied down or responsible to anyone. Can’t you see that, the reason he tells you this is so he has ABSOLUTELY no responsibilty to you, and you can’t pull the “but you said” trick and make him feel bad – cos what he is offering IS bad, boring, isecure male bullshit.

    It is how he would be with ALL girls, and cos some girls give it to him he will continue to do his over and over. He is just not cut to be a boyfriend, not until he find him self alone and with all girls saying, hell no. He is for fucking and fucking only. And even then it probably wouldn’t be any good cos intimacy, REAL intimacy while making love is what makes hard hot sex fun for girls, feeling special and like he LOVES you and only you.. and that you rock his world and only you, is what does it orgasmically. It’s mental not just physical, and this guy is saying ummm nope I suck in bed cos I don’t want to committ even an idea to committing… he just gave her the biggest turn off of all. B.O.R.I.N.G. Have some balls, maybe TRY get to know a girl intimately, stop be a pussy with committment and you might be surprised at how hot the sex can REALLY be. Crumbs is what you’re getting even if you’re ‘getting off’ on this “just for sex, no strings”. LOL. Men just don’t even realize what they’re missing and how girls get turned on….. that would make any girl blow his mind beyond his wildest dreams if he ever actually got close to her, and made it known he chose just her.

    You will get emotionally involved beyond what you are now. He will just keep it going at the status quo where you get zero, feel like shit and he continues to do what he wants when he wants with absolutely no consideration for your feelings.

    This is like being on the forever merry-go-round, and honey… simply don’t get on the ride, when there are rollercosters out there with FAR more mind blowing men not afraid of just being with a girlfriend and really getting to know someone, beyond just a booty bang while he scopes out the rest of his life and flitters about in the breeze ‘discovering his freedom’ in the mean time and you sit on your shelf waiting and waiting for when he might actually pick you up again to play with you. MORE OUT THERE, oh god, so MUCH more, even not just being with a man, but there are real men out there that can really show you what love feels like physically and emotionally..they’re the men that will show you what it really feels like to be with a sexy, committed alpha male man, that make all these tadpole males that never change or grow seem like second best, than you feeling that way.

    good luck, NC with that guy, puh-lease. No more. cut him out.. don’t let him suck you in to his boring old pond of scummy sex when there are so much more experiences out there for you than this boring old scenario with a guy. These types of guys are boring, they have no zest or want to BE with a girl and really EXPLORE a woman.. they just want some play thing and you know what you have to offer is pretty damn fine, know that about yourself and go get it elsewhere cos there’s a bit wide world out there just waiting for you !

  4. baidu says:

    You are right the material is the most important thing when writing blogs, secondly if people like it they will spread the word for you!

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