Why Doesn’t My Boyfriend Want To Marry Me?
It’s a well know phenomenon – women tend to want to get married and make it official more often than not while men tend to drag their feet.
Here is a message I received from one of my readers in which she is asking this common question:
“My boyfriend and I started dating when we were 16 years old we dated on and off for several years but we were too young to make a commitment. We both married other people and raised families. We reunited over 3 years ago when we were both separated from our spouses, he had been separated from his wife for over 8 years, I had only been separated for about 6 months but was in the process of divorce. His divorce was finalized this February. We have lived together for over 2 years now and have a great relationship, we love each other very much and have a great time together, we are best friends. I am ready to get married, I want that commitment from him to build a strong and loving life together. We have talked about marriage, he has asked me what date I want to get married, and even talked to my son about us getting married. However he says he is not ready yet that he just got divorced and if it gets brought up even by someone else he get angry and starts yelling about how he is not ready yet. I am very confused at this point about his reactions, one minute he is talking like he’s going to propose and the next he’s yelling at me that he’s tired of it being brought up. I am heartbroken because I don’t know if he really wants to get married, he says he does someday but I don’t understand why he acts like this about it. I’m not sure if I should move out and get on with my life, and I don’t know if I could live without him, or just hang on to the hope that he will come around soon.”
Imagine this. You have a picture perfect relationship. You and your boyfriend are inseparable. You have a lot in common. You do things together. You enjoy each other’s company more so than you enjoy the company of anyone else or being by yourself. You can do things alone but you’d rather have your someone special with you to share those great life experiences with. You support each other’s goals and aspirations. Your sexual chemistry is off the charts. Most importantly, he is completely and utterly dedicated to you, just like you are to him. And, his desire to spend the rest of your life with you is unquestionable. He talks about it all the time and brings up the future in conversation here and there, which tells you that clearly and without a doubt he sees you in his life for the rest of his days.
But when you touch on the topic of marriage, he tells you it’s not time yet, or that a few years need to go by before he decides to make it official. And you just know that for some reason he is just putting off this conversation until another time, or avoiding it altogether.
Why does he seem so reluctant to marry you? What does marriage mean to him, and why does the marriage talk seem to make him run for the hills?
I’ve talked to many single men who are presently dating or are in monogamous relationships. The group of men I surveyed included mostly residents of the state of California. The age group was between the ages of 25 y.o. and 50 y.o.
I asked them what they thought about marriage, and whether they considered marriage in their future.
The answers varied depending on the age and the seriousness of the current relationship.
Dan, 26 y.o., auto mechanic, casually dating, says “I’d like to get married one day, but at this time I am just not ready. I am working on my career right now, and I’d like to go back to school again to further my education. Marriage requires money, and I am not in a position right now to start a family. It will be a few years before I seriously start looking for my future wife.”
Scott, 41 y.o., business executive, dating someone, says “I am looking forward to starting a family. I think my current girlfriend has a strong wife potential. She loves children, we get along great, and we’ve been together for almost two years now. The thing I don’t necessarily like about her is her religious upbringing and religious believes I don’t share. I don’t know if I feel comfortable raising children with such strong religious influence, but I don’t think that this alone should be a deal breaker. I am thinking that I will go ahead and take the plunge. Perhaps, after our two year anniversary is when she’ll be really expecting a proposal and I won’t be able to drag it out much longer. I love her, and I truly think there isn’t anyone better for me out there!”
Mike, 48 y.o., an accountant, dating, says “I’ve been married before, and I know that people can change, grow apart, and not have much in common anymore after years of being together. I hope that my next serious relationship will last for the rest of my life. I want someone to grow old with. I am looking for someone who shares the same views on life, and who wants the same things in their future as I do. I don’t know if marriage is necessarily the solution, I just want to have someone in my life to share it all with, but don’t mind getting married if I find the right woman. “
Many other men’s answers were along the same lines. The bottom line is, when a man finds the right woman, he will have no qualms about settling down. Marriage is a selfish decision after all. It’s a way to make one’s life better and more fulfilling. Why wouldn’t someone want to make their life better and more fulfilling? We all want more happiness in our life. And when a man knows that you are the one who can help him achieve his life goals, when you share an incredible chemistry, and have the same views on the future, he’ll rush up to the altar.
The reason men are hesitant to marry is because they are not sure. It’s the uncertainty that everyone is afraid of. He wants to know that it’s going to work. He wants to know that you are absolutely the best one for him out there, and that he isn’t going to miss out on anything, and that if he doesn’t run to the clerk recorder’s office to make it official, someone else will.