Why Men Go Hot and Cold 3 Reasons Why Men Go Hot and Cold

September 8, 2010 by  
Filed under Commitment Issues

I get a lot of emails from confused women asking me why men go from hot to cold, back and forth, so I wanted to write this article to explain the three main reasons why men will go hot and cold, confusing you in the process by such inconsistent behavior.

The number one reason men will blow hot and cold is that the woman herself starts acting too pushy too early on and pushes him away. When a man you are dating hasn’t decided yet he is ready to commit to a more serious relationship with you, and you already hear the wedding bells in your head, the emotions you project during your dates and the things you say to him make it transparent that you are looking for a relationship that is more serious than what he is currently offering you.

In this situation you need to re-assess your own behavior and how you come off. If you are finding that after a heartfelt confession on how much you like him he is pulling away, you’ve just scared him off. Take the time for his feelings for you develop with the same intensity before he makes a commitment to a serious relationship.

The most important thing to remember is that it has to come from him.

Reason number 2 men blow hot and cold is that they often need time to process their emotions and need a little readjustment before taking a plunge to make a more serious commitment to the woman in his life.

You may find that after spending a fabulous weekend together he doesn’t call you for three days or immerses into his work.

Don’t worry and give him time. Sometimes after smelling roses for a couple of days a man will want to get back to pursuing his goals. He may get scared that spending romantic time on the beach will take over his life and leave nothing else, so he will want to jump into work just to feel like nothing has changed and he is still the man he was before he met you.

Lastly, reason number three why men blow hot and cold is that he wants to keep you in his life but doesn’t want to commit to you completely. He starts pursuing you when you pull back out of fear to lose you entirely, but when he feels that he is back in the comfort zone in which there is no threat that you will leave him, he goes back to the cold mode.

Astonishingly in studies that I talk about in Guide To Commitment which were done on unmarried couples, majority of men currently living with their girlfriends said they did not want to marry their girlfriends because they didn’t see them as their soulmates. Those men also identified what they’d consider their soulmates and the kind of woman they’d commit. You can learn more about it on This PageClick Here To Read!

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9 Responses to “Why Men Go Hot and Cold 3 Reasons Why Men Go Hot and Cold”
  1. Sofia P. says:

    hello, i’m Sofia P. and i would to ask for your help…there has been a man in my life for more than 7 years…we never had the chance to go on a date or sth else since last January…until then i used to have a phone or eye contact whenever he was around …in the past few years i found out that he was married ..but that didn’t stop me or him i was always careful…because until then my feelings for him had grown…last January we went out for dinner and ended up in bed…the problem is that from January since now we have met for about 5-6 times…and the thing is that i see him everyday and we just say hello and he keeps on staring at me…he’s doing the thing that u have already mentioned in your article…from hot to cold….he will now call me as soon as he realises that he’s losing me..or sth…and then he disappears for a time although we meet everyday in the street.i really don’t know what to do…i really care for this man but the problem is that although he seems to care and be attracted to me he just keeps on pushing me away…i know that it might sound crazy..but i respect his family…although he’s just married ” in papers” meaning that his marriage doesn’t stop him from having other affairs…i can feel that he cares but i really don’t know how to handle this situation…i’m not the type of woman who will call him everyday 24/7 and press him…on the contrast, i’m very careful when we r in public together or with other friends or people around…in order not to get the attention and s’one realises that there is sth going on between us…there have been many times that i wanted to call him and ask him to meet in order to clear things up…but i’m afraid of losing him….
    i would appreciate if you could help me and advice me on what to do…
    yours sincerely,
    Sofia P.

  2. Map says:

    Here it goes… We have been togather seven months..We live togather and for the second time he thinks we are moving to fast…He works out of town for weeks at a time.. This last time his 11 yr. old would not talk to him for a few weeks… I get along with his kids and absolutly love them but, his ex wife is a whole nother strory.. I have not meet her and really dont want to..So after we break up again he tell his ex and now the son is talking to him again.. I think this ex is using these children (aweful, bad human being). but, why does he fall for her BS????…. He will be back on sunday, i have to pick him up from airport so he can come here get his thing and vehical and leave again… i dont know what i should do… ofcourse my emmotions are out of controll… I am not speaking to him at this point..

  3. Marianne says:

    Nice article. The blowing hot and cold thing I have seen over and over again, and your reasons are on point. If we can go further back, say to childhood, we will see these behaviors very early in both girls and boys. “I want that” “I don’t want that anymore”. Why do girls grow out of this and boys don’t? There are a lot of theories (that I’m sure Some girls don’t grow out of it, and some boys DO. In my experience, when this happens, it’s not the woman who is not “good enough” for the man, or patient enough, or whatever enough. It’s the man who is not MATURE enough to have an adult romantic relationship. Grown-ups don’t blow hot and cold, little kids do. Because they have not learned how to make decisions yet, nor how to stick to decisions, nor how to be considerate of others, or even why it’s important. Also, many, many little boys are never taught that girls are PEOPLE, just like they are, and just like their male friends are. So they can be oh so wonderful to the rest of the world, but they don’t even think they NEED to have integrity when they are relating to a woman. It’s way easier, IMHO, to simply look for the rare man who is actually a grown-up. If I misjudged, and he was pretending to be one to get my trust, (like he did when he was little in order to get a cookie), it will show soon enough, as long as I maintained my own boundaries I will see it and have no qualms about saying “Later Gator”.
    Love your site, hope you keep posting!!!

  4. Tashia says:

    I would really love some insight into a situation i am dealing with. I have been seeing this guy exclusively for a month but we have known eachother for 7 months. We dated for a few weeks in 2011. He did the hot and cold thing. Then he dissapeared for about a month. We weren’t serious so i moved on pretty quickly. When he contacted me a month later i was in a relationship. We would text once a week but it stayed friendly. Well about 2 months later my relationship ended horribly with me being physically assaulted. My friend tony was my rock. He helped me through my court date, losing my job. We hung out alot. Watched movies, went to lunch, happy hour, etc. He made it clear he missed me when we didnt talk for a month and had hoped i would contact him. He let me know he wanted a relationship with me. I let him know i wasnt ready. I had too much going on in my life. He told me he would wait as long as i needed. Well after 6 weeks of this one day something clicked and i felt those feelings for him. I told him and a few weeks later we made it official. He told me he loved me and i did later on. He has blown me away with his love, affection and overall attentiveness. I am divorced and have 2 children. He has been separated awhile and has filed for divorce. He helped raise his step son from the time he was 3 up until he was 13 when they seperated. His ex refuses to let him see his step son. For him this is his son. He is unable to have children himself. Well things have been going great. He has been open about him trying to cope with the loss of his step son. Well this past week i went to florida and he missed me so much. Could not wait to see me and came over as soon as i got back and immediately hugged and kissed me. He stayed the night. We walked along the beach the next day. Watched a movie. He heard a song that reminded him of his step son. He cried and i held his hand. Well we had plans to go out. He was texting me that he couldnt wait to see me. I was walking out the door and he called me that a friend was in crisis in his marriage and needed him. Said he would let me know what was going on later. Well for 2 days i got the cold shoulder. He dissapeared except for a few i love you texts. Today he broke up with me. You see him and i are more alike then abyone i have ever met. His mom and i are friends and she is floored. She said she has never seem him so happy. That he told her i am his soulmate. Told her we are so alike that when we are together we dont even have to say anything we know what the other is thinking and feeling. This is very true. He is telling me to move on. Its for the best. I told him i wont give up on us. He said he is afraid of us breaking up down the road and him losing the relationship with my kids. He said he loves me but it is for the best. He hasnt completely cut contact with me. He deleted me from Facebook but he still has all our i love you messages and my pics on his page. His mom told me. I dont know how to proceed at this point. Just 3 days ago he was telling me how much he loves me, that im all he needs and wants.me to meet all his family in new york. I dont want to mess this up by doing the wrong thing. I think he is afraid right now and trying to protect himself.

  5. Anonymous says:

    Oh, Tashia. That’s just awful. I’m sorry to hear it. I wish I had words of wisdom for you but I don’t. I have been a single mother now for 10 years – and I’m pushing 50 – and I have met some truly shit people through online dating who do things that leave me speechless. I’ve met users, and men with ADHD who love you one minute but love your neighbour more then next, I’ve met MANY who blow hot and cold, play games, lie. I just don’t understand humanity anymore.

    I hope you see this post. I’d like to know how you’re doing. All the best. x

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  7. Sadie says:

    Ok, Confused to the max I met back up with my ex about 2 years ago. Him and I have a child together, He had not been in his life for many years. He wanted me to do something financial for him and I told him he need to meet his son if I did.
    We met, he wanted to sleep with me and I told him no he had a girlfriend, When he returned home a couple weeks later the girlfriend left.
    Now we have been seeing each other every couple months along with his child and his other child. He lives in a long distance. Does not call all the time and sometimes ignores email and texts.
    He told me after he breakup with his girlfriend he did not want a girlfriend. I too at the time did not want one either I had just lost my boyfriend of 16 years who raised his son. He thinks its a friends with benefit thing, I told him that is not what I want. So we spent a couple months seeing each other every day he stayed with us. Now when we see each other hes great while we are there and after we leave, he goes cold after we spend a couple days together. I back off and he comes forward. Is he just using me and keeping me as a option till he finds someone. I decided i should move on but now he has reunighted with his child. Feel stuck and disrespected. I either want a real commitment not marriage but exclusive or just move on.

  8. Carla says:

    Great article, spot on! Wish I had seen it sooner.
    I’ve been left completely puzzled. I met a guy, we got on really well within a week he introduces me to his friends and family, spend the day shopping with his mother, we get on really well, he continues to pursue me then goes all quiet on me…then a photo appears on his fb of him and a girl all cosy, i ask whats going on and he says we are friends nothing further, i’m unstable and then tells me to p*** off! He then not only deletes me but blocks me from fb. A week later…i bump into his mum and the following day he is texting me again as if nothing has happened. I get a message from him saying he loves me but finds it hard to talk…ive only known him a short amount of time. Then he invites me over for the weekend and introduces me to his 10yr old son from a previous relationship, his mum invites me for dinner and to stay the night with him. We get to the bedroom and he doesnt come anywhere near me. The whole weekend he was distant, not even holding hands on the beach, when its time to leave he just pecks me on the cheek, no hug and just says bye. I later ask what the text meant as i was confused and he just replys he was drunk and in the dumps and that we are just great friends. Im sorry but do friends spend the night in your bed? Do you introduce all your friends to your mother and child? I’ve asked him if everything is alright and if he wants to talk and he refuses and says everythings fine. Im so confused and frustrated by his actions and mixed messages. I try and give him space but then it starts up all over again the flirty messages, i hit a brick wall. Why couldnt of his words and actions matched, now just found out he has a date next weekend…i pitty the girl.

  9. dee says:

    good article! I’m in a back and forth relationship with someone who has been depressed off and on most of his adult life. Never was concerned because anyone can be depressed at times for various reasons. He was always concerned for my happiness. After 3 years in a relationship he bought me a beautiful princess diamond necklace. Never expected it and was surprised to receive it! We never needed to be married in the 12 years we were together. We both had been down that road and had our children. It seemed we had a good life together and understood each others needs/wants. We traveled together etc..Like any relationship we had our disagreements on various issues. We enjoyed most of our friends but at times their lives were not fun to be around and two couples in the years ended in divorce. We went mostly to his family gatherings, weddings, births, funerals I was Aunt Dee etc..His family, friends always asked for me if I wasn’t around and were happy to see us together. When we first dated his family,friends expressed that how they were glad I was with him and that I was good for him and kept him grounded. I guess he had been outta control at times in the past in other relationships.
    This is where I saw a change and not sure if this is what has affected his psyche?
    His daughter who he never had a close relationship since she was 12 due to I believe his ex wife telling him when she was 12 or so that “he shouldn’t show affection towards her because it could be perceived as incest.” To me that is just messed up especially knowing him. That’s one flaw that is not in his character. Well, it seems that since his daughter has had a child he has desperately wanted to be in her and the kids life. The daughter has never really gotten close enough to want to allow this to happen. Of course, when she wants money she phones or will show up if he has a check for her, otherwise there is “no time” according to her for him. I think its disgusting and she is not a baby into her 40’s and should realize that her mother created this distance and will not hear anything regarding it. The last time he remembers his daughter showing any affection is when she was about 10 or 11 and she ran up to him and threw her arms around him and said”Daddy I love you.” I think that is when his ex-wife gave him the talk. I think she was just jealous silly as it sounds of her own daughter since she did not have a healthy relationship with her own father being a retired attorney who was an alcoholic.
    So, of course its understandable that with the grandkid showing up, he wanted to have a good connection. WEll, his daughter has learned to use the kid as a if you give me what I want you can see her etc. In a round about way. So, he said ya know I’ve given her everything and she still doesn’t want a relationship with me unless she gets what she wants and now she is using my grandchild as bait. So, he decided now that the child is 7 years old that if she wants to play that game than she can forget it. I gave her the tools to get move along in life, supported her well into her adult years financially and I’m done. He gave the grandkid last Christmas an ipad to do facetime with him and the father took the ipad away for himself..so, he said he gives up…
    I’ve tried to understand him with his ADHD, his famiy issues and always there for him when he has a problem, but he doesn’t seem to want to stay in this relationship. He now is telling me he loved me, but was never in love with me. I know people have different opinions on this subject, but I don’t believe the “in love” you either love the person or you don’t. “in love” sounds nice but if its there in the beginning it doesn’t stay that way. It’s more like infactuation. There is only “love”. You will love someone unconditionally or conditionally depending on your upbringing. That’s what I’ve learned. I unfortunately love this man unconditionally. whether he feels the same at this point I don’t know…We separated and he met someone he thought he was “In love” with and in 6 months it fizzled out. She up and left him. He told me he met her on the “mismatch” .com I call it and the day she showed she asked him if he wanted to get married? Really?? How desperate are you? Well, that and her crazy fits of crying, spitting on the floor and wiping it up with her arm, hand and wiping it on her face he had enough..Of course, that lead me to this site of why do men go back and fourth in to your life..I guess he needed to experience a real “crazy person.” What really gets me is he said he has never been “in love”…I finally said when are you going to get it? You either “love” someone or you don’t. She obviously didn’t love you or she would have stayed. The ring on the finger first date should have told you she wasn’t looking to find love she’s looking for security. Had a rich daddy, who took her out of his will and never worked a day in her life. So much for “mismatch.com” Well, when he sent me “regular mail.” Since I had changed my email and my phone number when he went off to the land of the internet dating I thought he must be wanting the relationship back since he went to the regular mail route to contact me. Why would you bother with an ex-significant other if you weren’t happy. He knows he would get no sympathy from me on the relationship that just dumped him. As of last 2013 he said he loved me, but wasn’t he we go again “in love” with me and that he admitted that he didn’t even know if he loved himself! Oh, that’s just great…so that’s the problem?? which is true if you don’t love yourself how can you love anyone else? You can care about yourself outwardly, but if you don’t feel it inside then how can you know if someone loves you?? I’d like to know who fed him the “in love” story cause I can tell you I’ve never seen the “in love” thing in ANYONE we know…can’t count really young adults because they are a different world and have a lot to learn. I’m talking about the couples who have full blown lives, house, kids, work etc..
    So, the question is how do you advise a person on how to “love” themselves, because if this is the cause of a separation I’m not going through that hell again with this man. I do love him, but he can’t just hop back and fourth over a “technicality” here. He has been to couples therapy with four women at this point one being his ex-wife, me and his last 6 month relationship, reads these “Living in the Now” books, but I haven’t seen him do it yet. I live day to day. Yesterdays is gone, There is only today and tomorrow is a question. So, the question is how do you advise a person on how to “love” themselves, because if this is the cause of a separation I’m not going through that hell again with this man. I do love him, but he can’t just hop back and fourth over a “technicality” here.
    I know its my decision as to how much I’m willing to put up with, but when you feel in your heart that someone loves you and they are confused I think anyone will do their best to keep that relationship.

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